I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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me: one cocaine mcflurry please
employee: u already know i can’t do that
employee: machine’s broken
I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*
Why sleep in, when you can have your child’s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?
*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?
I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.
I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.
*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.
I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”
Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”