@LagunaBeachPOV

I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

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@sonictyrant

me: one cocaine mcflurry please

employee: u already know i can’t do that

me: why?

employee: machine’s broken

@EndhooS

I invited Alan over for dinner.
“Alan Jacobs? Or Alan who thinks he’s Captain America?”
*a badly painted bin lid smashes through the window*

@PixieGreenEyes

Why sleep in, when you can have your childโ€™s tiny fingers shoved up your nose at 5am on a Saturday instead?

@GrowlyGrego

*wakes up in cold sweat*
SHOULDN’T ELEVATORS BE CALLED SOMETHING ELSE ON THE WAY DOWN?

@SwoonTwang

I don’t have tinted windows on my car because if people don’t like watching me dance, they can tint their own goddamn windows.

@juliussharpe

I’m scared to go to sleep tonight knowing some maniac is running around out there slightly deflating footballs.

@JasonCarney31

*sets up booth, hangs up sign “$5 Mustache Rides!” *nobody shows up.

I knew I shouldn’t have named the damn pony ‘mustache’

@Tmoney68

Son: When did u know you were old?

Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’

@bsnc64

“Here you go body some nutritious food, how bout some energy?”

Body: “I shall make this into nose hair”