I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.

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Hug your kids as often as possible.

They can’t break your shit when you’ve got them in a full body lock


Proud of myself. I only ate 1 brownie today.

I mean, it was cut up into 8 very large pieces and took up the whole pan but yeah, 1 brownie.


I’m sorry I committed a home invasion but somebody had to do something about those carpets.


Spider Island
Day 1: The arachnids are intelligent & friendly hosts. They even built me a hammock to ensure my comfort.
Day 2: I was wrong.


*stops next to punks at red light*

*stares them down, turns up The Walking Dead opening music*

*light turns green, slowly accelerates*


If I ever have to get into a fight with a bear, I’m sneaking in at least one hug.


I just got an email offering “free bible verses”. You know, because who can afford bible verses?


Me: Welcome to McDonalds, can I take your McOrder?

McDonalds Boss: Again *rubs temples* you don’t need to put Mc in front of words

Me: Oh ok *turns back to customer* welcome to Donalds


*sees “The customer is always right” sign*

*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*


By a show of hands, how many of you are raising your hands?