I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
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Sun Tzu’s The Art of War is very applicable in the business world. Just today I made my boss sit facing the window so he had sun in his eyes
Blood is thicker than water but has nothing on Thousand Island dressing.
Turn your trip to the grocery store into a ninja challenge by shopping strictly out of other people’s carts when they’re not looking.
BREAKING: The BBC declares war on Italy
i cant believe ashton kutcher made the apple computer and iphones. thank you ashton
I bet when Hello Kitty finally grows up she’ll be called Hey Pussy.
[Sexting]
HER: Tell me what you want
ME: A sequel to Ratatouille
HER: No! Tell me what you want in bed
ME: Oh! *gets in bed* a sequel to Ratatouille
If your gym clothes don’t have sweat stains, I have just one question for you…..
…what detergent are you using?
Dear Jesus- please let all my texts go to the correct person- Amen
you shouldn’t drink white wine with fish because they can’t hold the glass in their little fins
FYI – They won’t let you just pick a kid to take with you from the Lost & Found at Toys R Us. You actually have to be the parent.
*watching videos of people cooking in public bathrooms*
The CDC should absolutely have a prison
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
When you donate sperm they ask if you have any “sociopathic tendencies”. I was like “other than creating people for money? ..No.”
anything is an appetizer if you eat more food after
I like running because it’s cheaper than paying for a gym membership. If the gym wants the money I owe them, they’ll have to catch me.
“You will feel a little pressure but no pain…”
~Doctors or dentists about to hurt you bad
Had a nightmare then couldn’t go back to sleep so I got up and ate the cheesecake or at least I hope that’s what it was.
Hot Girl: Hey, u single?
Me: I am.
HG: Cool, can I take this extra chair?
Hey, which Instagram filter takes out all the insecurities?
Sunday
Wanna feel old? This is Calvin and Hobbes now
M: a Bloody Mary with no celery, olives or tomato juice, but add extra bacon
Waiter:
H: She wants a plate of bacon and a shot of vodka.
Thoughts and prayers for my mom, she’s really struggling with my weight
scientist: he’s going to be identical to you in every way
me: every way?
[my clone trips stepping out of the machine] holy shit
Parents, if your child asks, “Why do you look so tired all the time?” Don’t sugarcoat things; let them know you didn’t start looking this way until after they were born.
Childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
What a rip off.
There’s no pot in this chicken-pot-pie.
“I’m going to enter you now,” I announce to an elevator to the bewilderment of everyone who is already inside. A lady clutches her purse.
Opened closet in hotel to check for murderers while simultaneously realizing I was unprepared should one be in there.