@TrolleyCat

I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.

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@zachreinert03

I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day

@Dschnoeb

I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.

@joshscampbell

Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”

The Porsche is now mine, right?

@ginnyhogan_

I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?

@DurtMcHurtt

[family feud]

Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…

Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN

@rebrafsim

Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?

Me: I use bad words

Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here

Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear

@eslpaul

America is getting murder hornets

Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets

@mrjohndarby

me: what’s the best way to get healthy?

doctor: diet and exercise

me: what’s the next best?