I really hope I don’t wake up tomorrow morning. I don’t want to die, sometime in the afternoon would be nice, or even the next day
I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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I bet Egyptians were all like “Yo, nobody in history will ever worship and revere cats like we do” and then came the internet.
Legal Twitter: I’m dressed in a black suit outside a restaurant waiting for a friend and a curmudgeonly gentleman pulls his sports car into the driveway. While walking past, he dismissively looks at me and barks “Key’s in it.”
The Porsche is now mine, right?
I had to break up with a guy because he told me I brought out the “best in him.” I was like wait – this is it?
Steve Harvey: Top 5 answers on the board, name a place you would plant evidence…
Me: *buzzes first* EVIDENCE GARDEN
Interviewer: what’s your greatest weakness?
Me: I use bad words
Interviewer: *laughing* that’s okay, we’re pretty tolerant around here
Me: well that’s extrusively marblous to hear
-an Italian guy describing an oak
America is getting murder hornets
Canada is getting I said good day sir! *puts top hat back on rather more forcefully than is necessary* hornets
me: what’s the best way to get healthy?
doctor: diet and exercise
me: what’s the next best?