I want a “refrigerataur.” Half horse, half refrigerator. I could ride it AND eat from it which is just plain sensible we are in a recession.
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I don’t even like sleep, it’s just the only way I can eat spiders
I walked into a room full of men and they couldn’t stop staring at me.
Oh…wrong toilets.
son: dad, can I watch the lord of the rings movies?
dad: sure, I’ll join you.
son: should we watch them back to back?
dad: no side by side probably works better.
I put my phone in airplane mode.
Worst. Transformer. Ever.
*digs in purse to pay for purchase*
Me: Whew, wasn’t sure I had enough. *awkward laugh*Clerk: Would you like to donate $1 to…
Me: *starts digging again*
I was killing this rap battle until I said orange.
English would be much easier to learn if the guy who came up with the word “waterfall” was in charge of inventing all new words
The “eye for an eye” philosophy isn’t exactly a level playing field if your grievance is with a cyclops.
I accidentally complimented only one of my kids and their sibling lost their mind. As any parent knows, ice cream resolves this situation, but you should give the kids some too.
One of my favourite factoids is that the guy who wrote “Pretty Fly (For A White Guy)” will also help us cure AIDS some day.
Me: Can you call my phone so I can find it?
Teen: UUGGHH. Can’t I just text you?
Narrator: She found her phone. After 387 text messages.
Apparently you’re not supposed to tell “That’s what she said jokes” during the Board meeting because it’s “inappropriate”
me: I’m becoming very forgetful lately
doctor: can you give me an example
me: of what
Who called it life jacket not aquaguard
[police stakeout]
me: suspect spotted
partner: again, that’s a dalmation
Damn girl, are you astrophysics? Because I don’t know enough about you to finish this joke.
I hate it when some random company refers to me as their “customer.”
I’m like, look we had one night of drunken shopping, we are NOT in a relationship
When the doctor told me I only had six months to live, I killed him violently with his own pencil.
Worked a treat.
Got me twenty years.
Of course I applaud when the food timer goes off. You don’t? Weirdo.
I was bummed that I didn’t have any candy then I remembered I can take probably 90% of small children in a fight
You can save a lot of money if you just steal everything
Done with work today.
The work day isn’t over, I’m just done with it
Griddle me this!!
– Batman villain ordering breakfast.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
I think I’m getting close to the age where sales people, internet and telemarketers think they can take advantage of you.
I can’t wait.
Nobody:
Me: “What if dinosaurs really just had that Kardashian vocal fry?”
BOSS: You ok?
ME: Yeah, why?
BOSS: You have a sign that says “2 Days Without Being Annoyed”
[maintaining eye contact, I change it to 0]
“Your lifeguard résumé is just a pic of David Hasselhoff”
I feel it says all u need to know about me
“He’s drunk with a cheeseburger”
Yes
Bad news:
I got so busy drafting tweets, I forgot to pick the kids up at school.Worse news:
I’m a bus driver