[at a football game]
my kid: can i get a giant foam finger
me: no
my kid: why not
me: because you already ate three of them at halftime
You Might Also Like
I’ve shenanned before… and I’ll shenanigan
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
WIFE: I want a new baby monitor for Christmas
ME: k
[Christmas morning]
WIFE: um
PRESENT UNDER TREE: *hisses and rustles*
ME: you should open that one first
need to find a better way to trick my dog into taking his medication bc the last 2 times he tricked me into taking it
IT’S-A ME,
I always run towards screaming. Sure, it could be a horrible murder in progress. BUT it could also be ice cream.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
i love meeting boys on tinder
gym bro: “dude are you using disney+ to watch rapunzel’s tangled adventure in between sets?”
me:
What do you mean there’s no cash prize for being the first guy in the neighborhood to shovel his driveway?
The tag on my jeans says “Relaxed” so it obviously doesn’t have children.
GOD: it’s time I punished the humans again
JESUS: cool. flood or plague?
GOD:[watching The Apprentice] oh I’ve something way worse in mind..
And occasionally she would come back into his life like a burp from a bad pickled egg eaten at a church social.
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
When you love bacon, but you also love your pet pig:
My Canadian 4yo just told me he wants to be Captain America if anyone wants to take a traitor off my hands.
[first day as a preschool teacher]
ME: *sets up road cones around the construction paper*
Spokane Press, Washington, July 16, 1907
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
(Creating the platypus)
God: Make that beaver think a duck is sexy and then they, *hip thrusts*
Angel: What?
God: You know *hip thrusts*
Me watching my husband quietly close the dishwasher after taking just one clean dish out
[red carpet] “So Ryan, who are u with tonight?”
Ryan Gosling [proudly] “My parents”
[two geese in black tie nervously shuffle to his side]
when steven spielberg was my age he was directing Jaws. meanwhile i am posting stuff like “drunk yoda be like ‘good to drive i am, give me the keys you will'”
“Thanks for saving my life” said no toddler ever
[arrives in heaven]
how’d you die?
me: i was sitting in a beanbag chair and my house caught on fire
I walk around with mentos in my ears so everyone thinks I have an iphone 7.
A haunted house but it’s just rooms full of empty candy wrappers because I forgot to hide the candy.
they probably named the Rocky mountains first and then saw all the other mountains and were like “oh”
God: Okay… How about thou shalt not
*Moses looks up*
God: …punch… squirrels?
Moses: *sigh* How about “steal”?
God: People steal squirrels?
Me: I need a word for food between courses at a meal
Wife: intercourse?
Me: not now Margaret, I’m trying to think