Me: (watching MST3K) What do you mean you don’t like it?! If you were trapped in deep space with just two robot friends, what would YOU do?
Her: That’s not important.
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Someone flipped me off so I threw my wallet at him and said “I love you.”
He didn’t even die.
Killing people with kindness is hard.
Hotel room bathrooms really overestimate how much I want to see my own naked body.
Hey little kid throwing a tantrum at the store cuz your mom won’t buy you that “sugary” cereal, I buy my kids that sugary cereal.
Nothing says how messed up my family thinks I am than my niece putting her head in an Easy-Bake-Oven & my brother asking me if I showed her.
Someone taught my 3yo the phrase “what in tarnation” so now I know what it’s like raising an 18th century toddler with a potty mouth.
remember when i met that guy in the club and i asked what he did and he said “i work in subway” and i spent all night asking about sandwich fillings and different breads and the next day i found out he had actually said software not subway. that was a fun and sexy time for me
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
One of my main goals as a parent is to provide my kid with enough amenities that she would never ask me to take her camping.
[hell]
Satan: this is our library
Me: cool i love reading
Satan: we only have the twilight series
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
What idiot called it a successful vasectomy and not getting out of the gene pool
I was applying for homeowners insurance today and they asked if I had any pets to which I said, “yes, two cats.” And then they asked me “have they been trained to attack or cause bodily harm?” and I wanted to know if anyone had been able to do this because I’ll hire you
The most abundant animal in the world is the chameleon. Scientists disagree with me but they’re only counting the ones they can see
My kid keeps saying “When you were alive back in the 1900’s….”
So, my question is can you drop kids off at the fire station in a basket at any age?
getting a cast iron skillet so i can still not do my dishes, but now people will think i’m classy
I’m in charge of the team-building activity at the next staff meeting, I guess we’re all getting new tattoos.
“He seems kind of rude”
“Oh no no, that’s just how he is”
“Ok cool. Now that I know it’s a fundamental part of his personality, I like him”
You know that tingly little feeling you get when you like someone? That’s your common sense leaving your body.
Trying to guess in 6 attempts what an angry toddler is saying before they really start losing their shit is called Wordle Extreme
2yo: Mommy, you beautiful.
4yo: *snorts* Maybe if she brushed her hair.
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
“I’m not letting you outside again,” I say to my dog right before I let her outside again.
I’ve always wanted to buy 2 coffees, take them to a crime scene & while handing 1 to the officer in charge ask, “So, what do we have here?”
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
Husband: Where are you going?
Me: I have to run a quick errand.
Husband: You’re going to the store to buy dessert and eat it in the car so you don’t have to share it with the kids?
Me: Maybe.
Husband: Let me grab my wallet.
Nailed it!👇🏻🤣🤣😆
*jesus picks up bread*
this is my body
*jesus picks up wine*
this is my blood
*jesus picks up guitar*
this is the STORY OF A GIRL
*shakes brain like an Etch-A-Sketch*
[proposing to my Karate gf]
Me: So, will you marry me?
Her: I’m not sure….
Me: Dojo breakin’ my heart, LOL
Her: Now I’m sure it’s a no.
‘You probably have to pee soon, huh?’
~ The monster under my bed