I want a Times New Roman on the streets and a Wingdings in the sheets.

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Apparently you can’t just say, “Not my circus, not my monkeys,” and leave your kids at the store.


The two most popular gifts women receive on Valentine’s Day are a box of things that make her fat and a bouquet of things she can watch die.


if a bear charges at you, don’t play dead. play nintendo, maybe the bear will join you and you’ll become best friends


I’ve been called a “female comic” so many times, I’ll probably only be able to answer to “girl daddy” when I have children.


The hardest part of parenting is, and I can’t stress this enough, the kids.


I’m banned from Church ever since I yelled “fake news” one too many times.


When I see crate of kittens in a pet store I think “oh a crazy cat lady starter kit!”


*ransom note on gun*

[1 million dollars by Friday or I shoot your daughter. No exceptions]

[ps please mail gun back it’s my only one]