I want a Viking funeral when I die…complete with sticks, marshmallows and chocolate for the attendees.
What? I’m sure that’s traditional.
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So. I didn’t win the lottery again. If this run of bad luck continues much longer, I may have to consider actually buying a ticket one day.
I could have been the favourite Mistress of the Sun King at Versailles but nooooooooo I had to be born into late stage capitalism
Overheard:
The one thing we’ve learned from this crisis is that if the Martians invaded earth, our first response would be to lower interest rates.
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
He asked if I was into anal, then got all weird when I pulled out my strap-on. Advice?
Having to share a room with your spouse is absolute nonsense. Even kids get their own rooms…
Me: She really needs to calm down.
Alcohol: You should tell her.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Everyone always wants to date the hot crazy chick…..Till you’re standing outside watching your house burn.
If you want my body and you think I’m sexy, please stop buying your prescription glasses at Walmart.
If whisky can damage your short term memory, just think what whisky can do.
[landlord showing new tenant around]
“No smoking allowed”
“How about pets?”
“That’s fine”
[dog walks in and lights up]
“We’ll take it”
6-year-old: Did you know an octopus has 9 brains?
Me: I did not know that.
6-year-old: That’s because you only have 1 brain.
They didn’t ghost you. Their spouse found out.
My favorite act of vengeance is befriending your dad and convincing him that dread locks would look cool on him.
I just saw a woman walk out of the pizza place with 8 large pizzas. Stay with me I’m gonna live stream my proposal..
Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.
Me (finishing a home repair): Well, it looks like it should work…
My wife: Should I throw this handful of screws away?
If I wear a wizard hat and robe to my cousin’s wedding this weekend, I bet no one asks me if I’m next.
Ughh…7 more hours till I can go home. Oh, sorry, my Canadian friends…7 more Kilometers till I can go home. Or is it liters?
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
Pro Tip: Use candles to set a romantic mood.
Pro Tip Addendum: don’t set the romantic mood right by curtains.
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
Parenting is a mix of having no idea what your child is talking about and hoping to god they don’t start explaining it.
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
What’s the weirdest thing your co-workers believed?
Me: Co-worker thought H2O meant hot water and CO2 meant cold water
J: Co-worker thought they taught a real lizard to talk in the GEICO commercials
Costumes are wasted on halloween. I wanna sit down for Christmas dinner dressed like a giant bug.
Me: *buying a pair of socks and a pack of gum*
Kohl’s cashier: You saved $439 today.
Just so we’re all clear since there’s a lot of disagreement about birth years:
Boomer = Anyone older than you that you don’t like
Millennial = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like
Gen Z = Anyone younger than you that you don’t like and don’t understand
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.