Predator taking off his mask, but it’s me removing the filters from my selfies.
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I know my kids moved back to school by my credit card alerts
Friend: *sets up chess board*
Me: Oh yeah? Two can play at that game *sets up another chess board*
Just waved at my neighbor’s cat in the window. Turns out it was a vase.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
DATING IN THE 1800s
1) Get telegram from Mae
2) Wait to respond. Don’t be desperate
3) Get telegram that Mae died of dysentery while waiting
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨
Ok who’s got my black socks?
I’ve just got a job making plastic Draculas.
There are only 2 of us on the production line, so I have to make every second Count.
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
My longest relationship has been with my Hotmail account.
Me: Can you think of anything else I should add to the cart?
Husband: Nope. You’ve got it all.
Me: <send>
Husband: Oh, you know what else we could use —
Rather than waste money on charity for the homeless, let’s invest in splicing their genes with snails so they always have their own shelter.
Them: children are innocent and go to heaven
Me: so you’re saying Hell is child free?
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Misinterpreted some rabbit prints in the snow and told my scout troop to look out for babies running at 35mph.
*takes long drag from cigarette*
*stares off into the distance*
*slowly glances down at hand*
*lights cigarette*
It’s disturbing that when we see a man’s mustache fall off we assume it’s an identity theft situation and not a medical emergency
A child in the playground did an impressive move on the monkey bars
Wow, that’s pretty good, I said.
My 7 year old, without batting an eyelid, and not even realising he has Twitter potential, turned to me and uttered the words…
“Hold my rice cake”
Dating is great to find the perfect partner for couples therapy
5: Lucas said he would give me $100 if I go to his birthday party. But I would go for free. But I didn’t tell him that.
Me: I have nothing left to teach you, my child
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Everyone: Don’t post Endgame spoilers or I’ll kill your family.
Also everyone: Wow here’s how the latest episode of Game of Thrones ended two seconds ago!
*Victorian letters to Santa*
My dearest Santa,
I trust this letter finds you well. We have had an exciting season with 7 family members succumbing to consumption.
*8 more pages of socially-accepted bigotry against every other nationality & poor people*
I would like an orange.
*spins in chair* Ah, Mr. Bond. I’ve been expect- *cat sitting in my lap freaks out and scratches the shit out of me*
Stop telling me your newborns weight and length. I don’t know what to do with that information.
Remember that great stick you found that one summer when you were a kid? You carried it everywhere. The bark worn smooth with constant handling. It made the perfect WOOSH sound when you swung it hard. It made you feel so strong.
Man, I wish they still made sticks.
Me: I just want to meet someone like me. Someone interesting.
Them: well which is it?
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
I marked today on my calendar as “new client consultations” which was code for me having a day off because who wants a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving?!
Five. It appears 5 people want a divorce consultation the day before Thanksgiving.