Purposely shows cop cleavage to get out of a ticket
Cop: is that an olive in there?
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Giving someone wind chimes is a nice way of saying “I didn’t want these wind chimes anymore.”
You’re not meeting me at my best, my best was like 10 minutes 16 years ago
A few hardest things to say:
“I Was Wrong” “I Need Help”
“Worcestershire Sauce”
[first date]
him: how do you feel about having children
me: I was going to get salad but I’ll try a bite of yours
[first date]
Damn girl, are you ordering a third omelette? Then omelette you pay this bill! Lol!
No but seriously I forgot my wallet.
My youngest son’s dirty clothes sit on the floor, beneath the laundry chute.
I admire his hope that they’ll bounce up and swish down.
Saw a truck with, “Hot Bob Express” written on the windshield. Im now concerned what Bob is delivering to people
Inspiring: Celebrities Spell Out ‘We’re All In This Together’ With Their Yachts
Pros & cons of being a skeleton:
Cons: no sex, love, food, friendship, books, music, movies, art..
Pros: you can play your rib cage like a xylophone
You say lasagna. I say spaghetti cake. Because my 3 year old won’t eat lasagna.
“Eating sugar will only make you feel better for a few minutes!” yeah as opposed to not eating sugar, which will make you feel better for zero minutes
Me: *reads a lot, has many books, all things considered, a book person*
Person: So, what’s your favourite book?
Me: I cannot think of one book that I have read. I have never read a single book. What are books?
Accidentally said “shh” instead of “slow down” and a kid silently ran into a glass door
once i complete this philosophy degree it’s over for you Nietzsches
WIFE: omg someone’s broken in!
ME *bravely grabs baseball bat from under the bed* wait here[downstairs]
FRIEND: Can’t you just tell her you want to play baseball?
ME: Keep your voice down
new dad Todd: lol check out what I did with my baby
friend: lmao dude did you actually put him in a treetop
Todd: lmao the wind rocks him so I don’t have to
friend: yo what if the bough breaks or some shit hahaha
Todd (suddenly serious): bro why would you even say that
everyone (crying, begging): please…you cannot be both hot and nice. just pick one
me: no
As an employee, I bring passionate commitment to the goal of receiving a paycheck every two weeks
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Of course I know the difference between right and wrong … wrong is the fun one
Everyone says they want a fairytale wedding. But when I show up and curse their firstborn, suddenly I’m the jerk…
A neighbour is blowing bubbles from their garden. Great, whimsical little flying blisters of plague.
Me: I’m so fat…
Him: *rolls eyes*
Me: *rolls fat*
Why didn’t Dorothy tell the Cowardly Lion about liquid courage?
I will no longer be calling coffee my addiction because it sounds unhealthy.
I thought I brushed my hair before I left for work, but the mirror in the office bathroom has a different opinion.
Nice of ads to thank me for watching as if I wasn’t a hostage
[Ouija Board]
“Oh great spirits tell me ur secrets”
You'll die soon
“OMG HOW”
Hold on I have another call
Boy, I’m gonna treat you like a curling iron. Turn you on. Get you all hot. Forget about you. Leave for work. And burn the house down.