@shujaxhaider

I want an app for each website I visit. And I want all of them to have loud videos that play automatically. This is my ideal user experience

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@michaelianblack

All those guys who refuse to marry their girlfriends until everybody has the right to marry must be shitting their pants.

@_sleepysmile

People always comment about how young I look. I just tell them it’s because of all the placenta I’ve been eating.

@MNateShyamalan

some people say April Fool’s Day is annoying.

but to me, a sentient refrigerator who longs to run free, it is my only chance to escape.

@EndhooS

Boss: Are you high?

Me: [trying to photocopy a dog] are you a cop?

@doguacate

when interviewing a person for a dog walking position, you must make absolutely certain that given the chance, the applicant won’t eat a dog

@PhilJamesson

Waiter: And how would you like your steak?

Guy Who Has Only Ever Eaten Goldfish Crackers: … umm… flavor blasted?

@TheDailyManning

Dear girls, Santa saw your Facebook page, you’re getting clothes and a dictionary for Christmas.

@Darlainky

Today is going to be a good day. I can feel it.

*finds there’s no coffee*

{Mood swing in 3…2…1…}

@amethystxmatt

turns out skrillexs music has healing properties: during a concert, a paralysed boy stood up and left