@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

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@BoyCalledAnn

In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.

@TheAndrewNadeau

PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.

@fart

no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh

@murrman5

[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
“sssno”
do you see how that’s confusing?

@KimmyMonte

Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.

@TheGladStork

“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.

@ianpauldukes

ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.

@ch000ch

you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.

@Kennedydp5

Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos