I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

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In Australia, nah-yeah means yes, yeah-nah means no and nah-nah means banana.


PRIEST: 1st the groom’s vows.
ME: *Unfolds notes* I’m only doing this for the cake.
PRIEST: That’s not really-
HER: That’s what I wrote too.


no dude, if i wash my hands BEFORE going to the bathroom then they won’t get my genitals dirty and i won’t have to wash my hands after. duh


[to snake at news station]
you can’t do weather anymore
“ssswhy not?”
are we getting rain tomorrow?
do you see how that’s confusing?


Mice were invented in 1867 to help control the cheese population.


“Hey kids, you like candy?” I said to my own kids, luring them into my van so I could get them to school and be at work on time.


ME: Gosh it’s murderously hot today.

CLIMATE: *under breath* Shit they’re onto me.


you can skip the karate classes and just buy a black belt. no one will care.


Ate a few shrooms & thought I was saving a baby from a building fire but I was really just climbing down from my bunk bed w/ a bag of fritos