1. Go to police station 2. Say a gang mugged you 3. Describe your own relatives to police sketch artist 4. Claim free family portrait
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WIFE: I just read an article on why women live longer than men.
ME: *trying to do a handstand in the shower* WHAT’S THAT BABE??
[at sperm bank]
“Do you have anything on clearance?”
Today my coworker asked if I wanted to hold her new baby and neither of us were prepared for me saying why?
[date]
HER: my last boyfriend was such a misogynist
ME: (trying to impress her) I hate massages
Easing back into Twitter is like slipping on your own shit
Horrifying, yet familiar
*Secretly hands your kid a Sharpie*
“So tell me more about that homemade all-natural organic cleanser.”
“Welcome, teachers & parents, to our community school assembly”
*gestures to 237 IKEA boxes*
“Let’s begin! Who’s got the Allen wrench?”
When I was a child I dreamed of being an old west cowboy. When I grew up I realized they didn’t have toilet paper with aloe.
Don’t ask me for childcare advice unless you want nuggets of wisdom like “always punch holes in the box so they can breathe.”
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
I told my 5yo we weren’t going to read an extra story at bedtime so in protest he took his pillow and a blanket and went to sleep in my laundry basket filled with clothes. I wish I was making this up.
[me buying something stupid and don’t need that’s $7.99] cool it’s only seven bucks
[me later] can’t believe i wasted ten bucks on this
You’d think my hair would be a little more cooperative considering how many times I blow it per week.
Sometimes when my kids are following me around the grocery store, I walk in circles around things to test their loyalty.
Do I just say yes or do I make my group hate me before we even begin this project
So weird to think that people born in 1998 are 25 because I was born in 1981 and am also 25.
I’m aging like an avocado. By the time I finally noticed my prime it was too late.
A bottle washes on shore with a note inside it: “Go swimming, the water’s great! And there’s no sharks! P.S. this wasn’t written by a shark”
Enforcer: Kids don’t get kneecaps until age 6.
Baby loan shark: Well crap. How am I supposed to get my money out of the little snots?
“Have some balls. Speak your mind. Keep it real.” – People with anonymous Twitter accounts
Husband: *trying to thread a needle with far too thick string
Me: That’s not gonna fit, it’s way too big.
H: You’ve said that before, but I have a 7 year old who proves otherwise.
Me: *giggles
7: You guys are being weird again.
[2011, pakistan, seal team 6 enters the compound]
“chief, something has brought the boys to the yard”
bin laden [making a milkshake]: SHIT
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
Me: I lost 13 pounds.
Also Me: I’m going to celebrate with cake!
I think Tuesdays are worse than Mondays.
You can’t use “It’s Monday” as an excuse.
My 30 yr old called me this morning to ask when he had the chicken pox…please, I can’t even remember if I took my pills last night
frodo threw my serotonin into mount doom.
welcome to janurary 32nd everyone
Me: *getting too close to smell a candle* This one smells like burnt hair. Weird choice.
Signature Move
The best writer’s defense is a good writer’s offense