@thejodiest

I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.

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@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a garter snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek?

God: no you’re a snake.

Garter Snake: I’m a snek!

God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.

Garter Snake:

God:

Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?

@pauleggleston

‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’

@goofballbirkla

Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.

@craigdtull

Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.

@UnFitz

Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”

Doctor: “…Oops.”

*slowly turns chart rightside up*

@Peauxtassium

You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On

@TheRolo

Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t

@ParkerTheKing

I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.