God: you’re a garter snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek?
God: no you’re a snake.
Garter Snake: I’m a snek!
God: [sigh] fine you’re a small snek.
Garter Snake: I’m a smol snek?
I want an app that tells me when someone is thinking about me while having sex with someone else.
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‘What do we want?’, ‘A really fast car to drive past!’, ‘When do we want it?’, ‘Nnneyowwwww’
Hemorrhoids should be called a more gender-neutral name, such as themorrhoids.
Growing a beard is the closest I’ve come to caring for an animal.
Doctor, reading chart: “Says here you’re improving!”
*slowly turns chart rightside up*
You may recognize me from many TikTok videos playing the role of Mom Who Talks Because She Doesn’t Know Camera Is On
What I would do if I had a falcon
shaved ice implies the existence of hairy ice
Friends: Let’s roll a fatty
Me: I have a name guys and pls don’t
I will do a lot of things but admiting I’m cold to my mom when she told me to bring a jacket is not one.