I want an ice cream sundae so big that it edges into mondae
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My wife says I’m addicted to generalizations but isn’t everyone some kind of addict?
guys I wanna start watching the news but I’ve never seen a single episode and I don’t have time to watch it all before the new season starts can one of you catch me up?
Wife is angry because “somebody” dripped grape jelly onto the dog’s head.
It feels very accusatory.
North Korea banned the use of sarcasm towards the government; I wouldn’t last an hour before they executed me.
*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?
If you’re afraid of a book’s influence on the young, banning or burning it is foolish. Assign it in an English class and you will destroy it within a generation.
As I waved my gun in their faces, I thought to myself “What kinda weird bank has children, clowns, presents, & balloons all over the place?”
Is your GPS supposed to sigh before it says “Recalculating”?
I’ve just found a mole on my shoulder.
I don’t know how he got out of the garden but he’s cute.
3-year-old: Let’s play zombies
Me: OK
3: You’re the dad zombie, I’m the mom zombie & this is the baby
She tricked me into playing house
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
It’ll be a cold day in hell. Cloudy in purgatory, with a slight chance of rain. And clear skies up in heaven. Now over to Jim with sports.
8: in this game I play as a goose and I have to annoy everyone, run off with things when people need them and leave a mess wherever I go!
Me: wow, I literally cannot imagine what that would be like.
Today I saw a kid being pushed around in the shopping cart while eating a snack and watching a movie on an iPad. It’s tough to see others living out your dreams.
Guy Who Invented Figurative Speech: I’ve got something that’ll blow your minds.
Townspeople: *fleeing in abject terror*
Waiter: What dressing would you like on your salad?
Me: Ice cream
Wife: I want a divorce.
Me: [into drive-thru intercom] One divorce please.
The difference between kids and prison is that in prison they let you read.
Why do moths eat sweaters? Have they tried sandwiches or avocados
Sometimes I follow ants carrying food to the nest just to see who puts the groceries away.
I called the fire dept to get my cat out of a tree and they said they don’t do that so I told them them he had a lighter.
[ first day of 5th grade ]
Teacher: Carly?
Carlie: Here
Teacher: No the other one
Karrlee: I’m Here
Teacher: Not you
Qar’leigh: Me?
Teacher: *chugs spiked coffee*
Denial: No-one can stop me getting pictures of Spider-Man
Anger: You’re fired if you don’t get me pictures of Spider-Man
Bargaining: $100 for pictures of Spider-Man
Depression: Why can’t I get pictures of Spider-Man?
Acceptance: There are no pictures of Spider-Man
Just went to get coffee in the break room and the pot was empty. So now, I have to wait for someone else make another pot. Such bullshit.
[fancy dinner]
ME: please pass the (forgets the name for salt) dried ocean
murderer: [rips open my shower curtain] why are you wearing shoes
Bored? Sneak a dog into the movies and loudly explain the plot to the dog
Dear Satan,
God never healed my dyslexia so I’m looking for new religion. Please send some pamphlets. And tell Rudolph hey.
Love,
Me
Why do drugs after 30 when you can just stand up too fast?