I want “Diet starts tomorrow” written on my tombstone.
You Might Also Like
Raw eggs are great for a fitness diet.
If you don’t like the taste, just add sugar, flour, cocoa and baking powder and bake for 30 minutes.
There are 400 billion birds in the world, 250,000 planes, but only one Superman.
So, in answer to your question… It’s probably a bird.
Putting a kid to bed for the 1st time: Let me sing you this sweet lullaby, my sweet, sweet child.
Putting a kid to bed for the 3,680th time: I’ll give you $100 if you go to bed.
Why do preachers call them sermons and not Godcasts?
[lights 2019 calendar on fire]
Now you can’t hurt anyone any more.
[wind blows calendar onto my coat; I’m engulfed in flames]
I will not rest until I’ve finished this nap!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
Don’t let the door hit you on the way out!
*guy looks back and laughs, the door punches him in the back of the head*
her: we’re engaged, Dad!
her dad: [to me] u didn’t ask me first
me: you’re not really my type
“Your son’s been involved in a shenanigan”
What kinda shenanigans?
“It was just one shenanigan”
You called me down here for one shenanigan?
“What do you mean ‘stuffed'”?
Why would I pay for a haunted house when I can wake up to my kid silently standing by my bed at 5 AM.
Good for him😉🤣😉🤣😉🤣
I dunno, I guess it started when my parents got married in a gazebo
Ok why even have a pool if you can’t do ANYTHING in it
imagine giving a baby gold then watching a guy whose present is a drum solo and realizing how badly you overshot it
If you use karate instead of a knife your wife won’t ask you to cut the vegetables anymore
My son just came and asked me to help him with his history project and I really feel like he’s taking a BIG chance on me considering what happened when I tried to help him with his math homework. Here goes nothing.
My mom will lecture me about how dumb my video game hobby is and then spend a week knitting socks for her cat
FedEx said they needed an adult signature to me, the 26 yo wearing this nice sophisticated outfit 😔
SERIAL KILLER: you can run but you can’t hide
ME: [crying] you believe in me more than my track coach ever did
“you smell good” yeah bro i’ve had a nose my whole life
[Father’s Day]
ME: I got you this meat thermometer. Hopefully it works well…
DAD: Hopefully it works medium and rare too!
I have to stop paying attention when I get too close to any round number of followers, because then I notice way too easily when I lose one, and it’s like “oh no, my hot take on pencil skirts deeply alienated someone who now despises me, I must send a cookie basket”
nobody:
90’s boybands:
(-(-_(-_-)_-)-)
Some people call me space cowboy. Some call me gangster of love.
This one guy calls me Maurice. He sucks at giving nicknames.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
If the US admits that Trump’s presidential campaign is a hoax then Australia will come clean about the platypus.
gossiping friend: don’t breathe a word of this to anyone
me: don’t worry I only breathe air