“I want frog legs.”
-Fancy restaurant order or the coolest plastic surgery request ever
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“I’m a little upset.” — Canadian protest sign
Don’t move, I know what I’m doing.
*takes a nap
DENTIST: You were very brave. Do you want something from the toy bucket?
ME: No thank you.
I get out of awkward dinner party convos by telling people it’s my first outing since the psychiatrist declared me unfit to stand trial
It’s not an argument. I’m right, and you’re just saying things.
media CEO: we’re doing a series on salary transparency!
same media CEO: wait no stop asking about mine
Next time a doctor asks if I have a family history of cancer, I’m going to reply, “yeah, but only the ones that wanted to work really hard for it.”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
Stacy: Come over!
Me: Okay!
Stacy: My mom isn’t home.
Me: Nevermind.
[at my funeral]
Priest: he died doing what he loved
My friend Pete from the back: he liked it yeah but I wouldn’t say he loved making toast in the bath
I’ve been leaving in 5 minutes for the past 3 hours.
FRIEND: Do you like 7-11 Slurpees?
ME: Nah, just one at a time
Yes my dude
Six degrees of separation but it’s me trying to get a discount through a friend of a friend of a friend.
I’ve been asked to stop using “finger-licking good” as an adjective at work.
Must be a covid thing.
*cats pull on masks* This is the ultimate heist. Let’s get those jewels. *cats immediately set off alarm trying to attack the laser beams*
The kids complained that I was making them run laps around the house for exercise, so now they’re running laps with a vacuum cleaner.
[first date]
me: [don’t let her know you’re a microwave]
her: my food is a bit cold
me: [my head starts slowly rotating]
Being an adult is mostly just wondering if the stuff in the dishwasher is dirty or clean while eating soup out of a sand castle bucket.
Doctor: congrats! Have you chosen a name yet?
Me: well i love Reese’s Pieces so
Doctor: Reese is a lovely name
Me: *holds baby up* meet Pieces
Meet Sugar, she doesn’t like to be ridden. If Sugar is approached with a saddle she lyes down and pretends to be asleep. Sugar refuses to open her eyes until the riders leave.
The internet is undefeated.. 😂
Celebrities, they’re just like us, except they drink wine and insult each other from their private island
Me (internally): Please say bedridden, please say bedridden…
Dr: You look great! See you again for a check up next year.
Me: sigh
Words I say when I sing along to Informer by Snow:
Informer
Its not what it looks like officer!
“you were driving down the highway taking selfies singing n’sync”
Ok I guess it was what it looked like
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
My support group can outdrink your support group.