I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
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Caffeine is bad for you, fat is bad for you, sugar is bad for you. But don’t worry, because worrying is bad for you too.
[at Hooters]
Me: you shouldn’t be working here. you’re a human being
Waitress: look, it’s my choi-
Me: -seriously, where are the owl waiters
I think my girlfriend is a serial killer you guys…she wakes up and makes the bed in the morning
Never ask a girl “How are you single?”
BECAUSE THEY WILL SHOW YOU
Joan of Arc was great, but nothing compared to her sister, Joan of Circumference, who was a much more rounded person.
Once again, I’ve been asked to bring the bag of ice to the family Thanksgiving dinner.
I’d … I’d rather not.
9 called to ask how much bleach it takes to get purple ink out of carpet and because she’s so cute and at her dad’s I went with all of it!
Stop = Hammer time
Full stop = Grammar time
People Magazine chooses Channing Tatum as “Sexiest Man Alive”. Do we really need the “alive” part or is the zombie vote that strong?
There is no “we” in chocolate.
“Mirror, mirror, on the wall.”
Mover: “Fine. Where do you want the couch?”
Don’t let anyone talk you into dropping a grudge. I quit carrying mine around and I’m pretty sure that’s when my arms got flabby.
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
i mean yes babe u look so prety yes u do
batman is not a cool as u
i’m still crying at this
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
I’m not saying it rains a lot in the UK, but I am amazed we don’t get more medieval-style terrified by the occasional snatched glimpses of a giant ball of fire in the sky.
*writes on wall in ketchup*
THE CHAMBER OF SECRETS HAS BEEN OPENEDBoss: What the hell are you doing?
Me: Somebody ate my corndogs.
I’m THIS MANY drunk!!
*holds up waffle*
Hey, remember that terrible date who forgot their wallet and then ghosted you?
Well, LinkedIn thinks you should add this person to your network.
umbrellas are great if you only wanna get wet sideways.
Scientists: You’re all going to die. The Earth is doomed. Life is pointless.
Also: We spent millions on a woolly mammoth meatball no one can eat.
OK…so naked running…
Apparently this means running without GPS, music, and any other tech.
I wish I knew this an hour ago.
Oh, and send bail money.
[Date]
“I’m going to use the restroom *leans over table* and I counted my onion rings, there’s six.”
I’m not allowed to use the credit card anymore, last month I bought 43 falcons
I love you so much, I’ll just sit at home and stare at my phone to make you notice.
Facebook: your old HS friend just sent you a friend request
me: cool!
Facebook: she’s racist now
me: uhh
Facebook: everyone on here is
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.