I want hashbrown pills.
~the guy who invented Tater tots
You Might Also Like
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
Having a pool is so neat. All of your friends are suddenly interested to catch up on the hottest days of the year.
don’t often share recipes, but here’s my yummy kale soup:
1 buy kale
2 fill a sock with marbles
3 hit yourself in the face until unconscious
They were testing a machine that calculates your age based on your reflexes. Turns out I am 140 years old.
Mike Pence getting booed at Hamilton is the worst thing to ever happen to a politician at a play
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
Sorry I told you that you should probably take down your Halloween profile picture when you had already put your normal picture up days ago.
“Read that again”
No thanks, it sucked the first time.
ask your girlfriend for her ring size and then give her a personalised bowling ball
my diet starts tomorrow as it has every monday, and will continue to do so, indefinitely
[runs inside of a gas station]
“I NEED TO USE YOUR BATHROOM! IT’S AN EMERGENCY!”
*takes a selfie in the bathroom mirror for an IG # game
The cheapest way to make your lips look fuller is to trip on a dog toy, land flat on your face, then sit back and enjoy the swelling.
Christian: You need Jesus in your life
Me: But I can’t find him
Jesus: *Hiding in a cave, giggling*
Me, on phone: I’m too scared of sharks to go to the beach
Friend: But sharks kill less people per year than- *thud*
Me: … Than what?
Friend:
Me: Hello?
Voice on other end: Moo.
Him- I’ll have a lemona…
Me- He’ll have water with lemon, and I will too. Extra lemon please.
Server- Ahh, yes, the free lemonade.
Does it make you an acrobat if you get suspended from the chandelier by your drawers after falling over the 2nd floor railing?
Eucalyptus are the only plants named after what they would say if pruned
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
When a child tells you that they have to go potty, you’re about five minutes from too late.
Me: [2013] I don’t trust anyone I meet online
Me: [2018] last night I met someone on Twitter and we’re moving in together to become paranormal investigators
I’ve never been more afraid of my wife than the time I ate a potato off of her plate.
Daddy bear: my porridge is too hot.
Mummy bear: my porridge is too cold.
Baby bear: aren’t we supposed to eat fish?
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
I’m in my late 40s raising a teenage son, tween son and toddler daughter of course my house is basically a frat house with glitter
I’m scared of the pesticides on this produce, so I guess I’ll run them under cold water for half a second
he’s doing your taxes
9-year-old: *fighting with her sisters* It’s my turn for the remote!
Me: You’re going to school in two minutes. What does it matter?
9: It matters for two minutes.
If he stars all your photos that means he’s leaving his wife for you, right?
[getting pulled over]
Me: R u a bear cop?
Bear cop: Is that a problem?
Me: As long as you’re not a maul cop
*mauls me for bad pun*
According to my kid, cops won’t give you a speeding ticket if you tell them you’re in a race because then they’ll understand you’re supposed to go fast