“I want her skin.”
-Serial killers and teenage girls
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When someone says they’ve been married for 20 beautiful years, I like to ask them “so how many years total?”
You undercook one turkey, and suddenly Thanksgiving can’t be at your house anymore.
-me giving holiday hosting advice
dentist: so, are you flossing?
me: are you using a unique password for every account?
not a day goes by that i don’t think about dying and then accidentally getting sent to squirrel heaven
8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
The Earth gets a day, Sharks get a week. That sounds about right.
(3am, my kid wakes up)
Me: *Pretends to be asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be more asleep*
Me: *Pretends to be even more asleep*
My wife: *Pretends to be even way more asleep*
If by “crunches” you mean the sound potato chips make when you chew them, then yes, I do crunches.
Sorry I wrote “All dogs matter” on your “I ❤️ my Weimaraner” bumper sticker.
Taught the 5yo to say “totes magotes” to annoy my husband who can’t figure out why the kid keeps yelling, “COACH MY GOATS, DAD!”
Nailed it.
I just saw my 25-year-old son run water on a slice of pizza to cool it off. I need to sit down.
Eighty five percent of being a gardener is throwing snails from your seedlings over the neighbour’s fence.
Dragons don’t breathe fire they breathe air like us they breathe air they just produce fire which isn’t the same as breathing fire no stop I’m not done stop taking the microphone I’m the best man you have to let me finish my
Oh he looks allergic to me. I’ll go sit on him
~ cats
everyone hates my volcano jokes, but i LAV-a them!
(my loneliness is paralyzing)
Server: Would you like another glass of wine?
Me: I’m sorry, I don’t have time
Server: For the wine?
Me: No, for silly questions
Boss: Isn’t your new job kind of a [stifling laughter] sideways move?
Crab: [to HR person] see this is what I’m talking about
Can you put some pants on my voodoo doll & pop some money in the pocket please
I respect perfume commercials being like we can’t show you a smell mind if we just go insane for 30 seconds.
Never throw sunglasses in an argument. If they land perfectly on your opponent’s face there is no known comeback.
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
Beanbag chairs are fun and comfortable but you should never buy one because one day you’ll get some really bad news and you’ll have to roll off the side and onto the floor before standing up to comfort your partner.
My 3yo ran up me so I could protect her while we were playing laser tag, so I picked her up and used her like a shield so I could take her brother out.
[cash4gold]
Man in a coat: [holding gold bar] “How much is this worth?”“It’s 25 carats…”
[8 rabbits rustle excitedly beneath trench-coat]
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Rock-a-bye-baby is my favorite nursery rhyme about the tragic consequences of putting babies in trees.
burger king implies the existence of an entire burger based feudal system