Ugh, accidentally shared my private google sheet of perceived slights I’ve endured at potlucks, how’s your Monday going
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As soon as they heard the flush, my phone interview took a drastic turn.
Air pods looking like an angry frog
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
i will never tire of apocalypse shopping because i’m a virgo and also when the end comes i want to rub my preparation in everyone else’s faces
*alien tries to burst through chest
*years of fried foods have made my stomach walls unbreakableMe: HAHA!
Alien: Laugh it up, now I have to go out the other way
Me:
*Prosecution lawyer paints white stripe on otter*
DEFENCE LAWYER: Objection, Your Honour. He’s clearly badgering the witness.
27 years ago I snot-bubble cried during Mufasa’s death scene and I am now while watching it with my 8 year old AND THAT CYBORG DIDN’T SHED ONE DAMN TEAR!!!
I’m loyal to my bakery. It’s called pastriotism.
If your tax accountant has a Yahoo email address, you’re getting audited.
I just referred to a toothpick as “one of those stabby things” sooooo no more dateline for me.
“Shh…it took an hour, but I think he’s finally asleep.”
*fireworks go off outside*
*opens window*
I WILL KILL YOU AND EVERYONE YOU LOVE
[ouija board]
Who are you?
*board begins spelling*
G-R-E-E-N–M-A-R-I-O
What the — a Luigi Board?!
W-A-H-O-O–I-T-S-A–M-E
I won every fight in 1st grade.
Not because I was tough, because I was 13.
I’d never survive in Canada, it’s so cold so cold I’d ask random strangers to set me on fire
Dyslexics are teople poo!
I’m sorry, but I’m never gonna apologize for who I am.
*except just then*
What does a robot do during a one night stand?
He nuts and bolts
Didn’t think the neighbors would notice the new bush, but this note asking me to wear pants suggests otherwise
My boss at the cheese factory wants to make “cheddar juice” by having us mix orange food coloring into the leftover byproduct. We’ve gotta make a decision: leave tonight or dye this whey.
give a man a fish, that’s a weird gift. try something cool like a harmonica.
Looking for a plus one for my wedding.
Coworker’s 9yo son asked to write a diary of a character from Macbeth. He chose the King.
Day 1: excited about visiting ma wee friend macbeth and hoping he does nae kill me in ma sleep.
day 2 (ghost king): i cannae believe he killed me
A lot of guys hate it when I put both my hands on their shoulders and ask if everything is all right.
The guy at the urinal next to me seems particularly upset.
My 4yo sang Old MacDonald but in his version “on that farm he was a cow” which was a plot twist M. Night Shyamalan would be proud of
i’m a pretty resilient person unless something hard is happening
triscuits is short for scuit scuit scuit
Fun fact: Whenever no one is looking at Mount Rushmore, the presidents’ heads all make out.
genie: i will grant you any wish
me: i wish soup was spelled like soop
genie: [frowning] no
Most guys that think they know everything about women usually lack one thing…. A woman.
I still see some of my ex-girlfriends. Well, not so much see, more like…watch.