@DirtyMelodies

I want my boyfriend to get a tattoo on his neck so I won’t have to worry about him getting a job and not having time to hang out with me.

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@NicestHippo

You had a flat tire on the highway? What was that like?

[cut to: me crying helplessly until AAA arrives]

Your survival instincts take over

@Brianhopecomedy

To ensure that my wife will truly miss me when I go on trips, right before I leave I put a few spiders in the bedroom.

@WeissBrandon

I’d never lie just to get a girl to sleep with me, is one of my favorite lies to tell girls that I am trying to sleep with.

@garrydavenport

One of my “100 things to do before you die” would definitely be “call an ambulance”.

@ShutUpThatsWho

[pirate ship capturing another ship]

Pirate: Prepare to be bored!

Other Captain: Don’t you mean boarded?

*pirate opens stamp collection*

@TEXASVETERAN

Me: I love you!
Girlfriend: Is that you, or the vodka talking?
Me: It’s me…talking to the vodka.

@YukioExo

Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed

[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating

@handsock_butts

HADES: what happens when Aphrodites hair gets frizzy?
ZEUS: don’t-
HADES: i guess u could call her AFROdite
ZEUS: this is why we banished u