Person: I like you
Me: *eyes narrow* Why
I want my children to be independent headstrong people. Just not while I’m raising them.
You Might Also Like
Me: I just need some time alone, please.
– Ma’am, if you’re not trying on clothes, we’ll need you to leave the dressing room.
You’ll sleep when you’re dead?…that’s adorable. Well, I’ll lose weight when I’m dead, so pass the doughnuts.
[high school reunion]
me: u remember me skipping math class to see u
ex: aww yeah
me: [gets out pile of papers] now do my taxes
[me, watching Alfred Hitchcock’s The Birds] oh, there they are
I’m not homophobic, I love my house!
I would not advise turning your frown upside down. The surgery is extremely painful and not covered by most insurance.
Shortly after firing up my Toro Power Sweep, I begin thinking of myself as a “leaf herder” and realize I need to get out more often.
When Siri has her period she uses an iPad.
I hate myself.
Owen Wilson has made around $217,838,000 from his movies. He averages around 3500 words per movie in 47 movies. That’s about $1,324 per word. “Wow” was 102 of those words. Owen Wilson has made roughly $135,072 from saying wow goodnight twitter