Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

We shouldn’t point out other people’s grammar mistakes because one day it will be you’re turn. Yore turn. You are turn. Goddamn it.

I’m so relieved after getting my last electricity bill today.

It said..

FINAL NOTICE

*a meeting somewhere*

“Women seem to want pants with pockets.”
Great. Let’s sell ’em all the pockets we can.

“Okay, but just to be clear *pants* with pockets.”
Yes yes, I hear you, Junior. They want pockets.

“No, pants with—”
Wow it’s almost noon. Let’s hit the links.

Waiter: All our wines are hand selected.

Me: As opposed to what?

The great thing about having four kids is having four people to watch me bring in the groceries all by myself.

i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy

Sees cute guy in the parking. Drops something so I can bend over & do the sexy hair flip. Forgets I have short hair. He sees me as seizing.

If I were wanted by the FBI they wouldn’t have far to look today, I’ll be in front of the TV watching football.

Sorry I winked at your mom when she said she needed her pool vacuumed.

WIFE: Not your eyes! You dont have to prove it anymore
GUY WHO CLAIMS HE PUTS HOT SAUCE ON EVERYTHING: *thru tears* I made a commitment babe

*goes into Lowe’s for a can of paint*

*leaves with $200 worth of Girl Scout cookies*

I hate grocery shopping. That’s why I just steal a full cart when somebody turns away. I never know what I’m getting, but it sure is faster.

I gave my 12yo a punishment and she asked if I could pick a different punishment, thereby demonstrating that she does not, in fact, grasp the concept of a punishment.

I have no idea what settings my 1-year-old changed, but she hit random buttons on my keyboard and now I’m a licensed realtor in Pakistan.

The only jealous bone I’ve ever had in my body is yours.

I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.

This is so funny 🤣 I was crying!

I like to take long walks away from stupid people

Why don’t we just stick an “a” in there and finally start calling it what it is…. “Moanday”

Dear Evolution,

It’s a conference call, not a bear attack. How about making me super eloquent instead of the heart rate and adrenaline?

My dishes are lined up like my sink is the hottest night club the world has ever seen.

remember when you could lay in one position for hours, now you have to rotate like a rotisserie chicken every 15 minutes or a hip hurts.

My dentist said I need to cut back on blows to the face

When I was 18 I thought it would be cute to get a butterfly tattoo on my lower hip but after 6 c-sections it looks like a sad moth in a top hat.

Me [at the stove for 14 hours]: well it’s true, a watched pot never boils
Wife: you’re supposed to put water in it

If I had a nickel every time a recent film featured a nihilistic, multiverse traveling supervillain who causes the protagonist to encounter other versions of themselves all because of a bagel- I’d have two nickels. Which isn’t a lot but it’s weird that it happened twice.

Marriage: When dating goes too far.

I’m at the point in my marriage where I can’t tell if my husband is reaching towards my face to caress it or to remove crumbs from the side of my mouth.

It’s like ten thousand spoons when all you need is to be launched into space.

If you think I’m annoying, give it some time. You’ll know for sure pretty soon.