my doctor says eating red meat is like a steak thru my heart
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But that’s none of my business
Rule: If thou has a Macbook, thou shall always taketh photos of objects with the Macbook in the background.
5, leaps down from high furniture onto floor and sees my horrified expression: look Mom, I’m really nervous-ing you up!
People who say ‘have a nice day’, like I planned this shit show
Horrifying if literal: foot locker
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
Next time you feel like judging someone, remember that the German guy who used Craigslist to find a victim to dismember and cannibalize is a vegetarian now. People CAN change.
Uterus: cry
Me: What? Wait, why I’m not even do-
Uterus: CRY.
Me: they’re my service bees
Him: but they’re not trained. they attack everyone who gets close to you
Me: they’re trained
I have 2 cats and 2 dogs so I feel comfortable giving parenting advice. Mostly you have to check how much protein there is in the bag before you buy them food.
if the bag is matte the chips are healthy
Watching an episode of Star Trek (original series) and my 8 year old says the uniforms remind her of The Wiggles.
I can’t unsee it now
[exotic fish store]
AMISH GUY: Yes, I’d like to buy an acoustic eel, please.
*holds boombox over my head outside your window
Me (shouting) Do you have eight “C” batteries?
airline: will you be checking your bags, sir
me: again? I did that three times at home
My wife: “What’s Twitter like?”
Me: “It’s amazing.”
Her: “OK, I’ll join.”
Me: “Oh look, Twitter just shut down forever. That’s too bad.”
My birthday is tomorrow. I accept gift cards, cash, cheesecake, or a beach house. You pick.
Whenever I’m ordering takeout they ask if I need three sets of utensils and the answer is always obviously yes
Before you start pushing and shoving “older” folks in a crowd, remember Gen X perfected the mosh pit, and you’re gonna be in for more than you bargained for
I just bought an answering machine! What should I ask it???
I ruined my kid’s life today when I said “no” so she asked me an hour later and the answer was still “no”.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
*hurls Scrabble board at you*
[uses your words against you]
“I have a hard time with faces. One time I mistook a wolf for my dead grandmother LOL!”
– Little Red Riding Hood, talking to a coat rack.
A few weeks ago my dad decided he was going to order pizza from his iPad. He’s almost finished.
*cop approaches me*
“have u seen this girl?”
*holds up photo*
“yeah I’ve seen her, NAKED”
*hi-5*
“haha but seriously shes in my trunk”
My kid was driving me crazy so I told her daddy wanted to play hide & seek and he was hiding first [he wasn’t home]. Follow me for more parenting hacks.
Let’s be thankful Gwyneth Paltrow isn’t making masks.
For a mountain to be called Kilimanjaro, it needs to kill at least 1 manjaro.
Ok, but if Kit Kats are filled with other broken Kit Kats, how did they make the first Kit kat ever?