Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.
“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.
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john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶
me: wow that’s old.
john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶
me: oh not that old then.
*kneels to pray*
“YOU’VE REACHED CUSTOMER SUPPORT.”
“Who is this?”
“MY NAME IS BRAD.”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]
6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?
[Lounging in hot tub]
Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”
Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”
If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.
her: my baby was 8 pounds
me: oh you bought a british one?
That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”