“I want my country back” is a fair and accurate thing to say if at one point in your life you owned the country.

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Anyone who thinks scientists like agreeing with one another has never attended a scientific conference.


john denver: 🎵life is old there. older than the trees.🎶

me: wow that’s old.

john denver: 🎵younger than the mountains🎶

me: oh not that old then.


*kneels to pray*

“Hello, God?”
“Who is this?”
“Are you in Heaven, Brad?”


[Starbucks intercom]

“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”


[tied up by the mafia]
any last requests?
“yes, let me go”
[still gets killed despite finding a loophole cuz the mafia arent very nice]


6yo Son: Dad, why’d you spray cologne down there when you got outta the shower?
Me: How’s ice cream for dinner sound?


[Lounging in hot tub]

Paul the Plum: “I’m starting to shrivel up like a…”

Pete the Prune: “Oh just say it, Paul. Like a what?!”


If elected mayor, I promise to put a giant, ship-crushing squid in every sea.


That awkward moment when someone says “stop”, and you don’t know whether to respond with “collaborate and listen” or “hammer time.”