I want my eulogy to be someone just doing a dramatic reading of Billy Joel’s song We Didn’t Start the Fire (without the music) while doing an interpretive dance.
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Turns on air conditioner
air conditioner: I have a boyfriend
Him: the risk of getting caught, having sex in a public place is HOT!
Her: ok….. you pick the place
Him: Over there in those dense trees where we won’t get caught
I think whoever invented horseradish knew exactly what those two things tasted like together
I bet Lance Armstrong is smugly saying “at least I didn’t kill anybody” to like every person he sees today.
One time I met a karate instructor who didn’t have a ponytail so I called the police
I’m having an out of money experience.
alladin: do u trust me
jasmine: i’ve only known you for 2 hours
a: so u don’t wanna jump off this rooftop
j: lemme ask my tiger first
HOSTAGE: [on the phone] hey dad if i never see you again tell neil he still owes me forty bucks i don鈥檛 care if you keep it but i want it collected
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I鈥檓 going is if they鈥檙e full of food.
Him: Has anyone ever told you that you look like Scarlett Johansson?
Her: No.
Him (detective looking for a Scarlett Johansson impersonator): You’re free to go.
Woman to friend at store: We can get shrimp for people who don’t eat meat!
Me: don’t forget the cheese for the lactose intolerant people!
{Heaven}
ME: Hey, why didn鈥檛 you answer my prayers?
GOD: I did. Every time you said Goddamnit I damned it.
ME: Oh, no, that鈥檚 just鈥攊t鈥檚 like a saying.
GOD: Why would you even鈥 damned so much stuff!
If a picture is worth a thousand words then why does everyone only buy Playboy magazine for the articles?
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
The Flintstones will forever live on in our hearts and vitamins
If Nelly tells you “it’s getting hot in here”, it’s not your job as a journalist to take off all your clothes, it’s your job as a journalist to look out the window and find out if it’s true
To avoid being eaten by zombies, go to Settings / Home Invasion Settings / Cannibalism / Brains, and then uncheck the “tasty” box.
“to my son, i leave my bathroom scale” the lawyer sighs “because where theres a will, theres a weigh. to my wife, i leave my last high five”
me: babe theres a surprise for you under the christmas tree
my cat: *whispering* and also within
Woman: Is it a boy or a girl, doctor?
Doctor: It’s a mango. A perfectly ripe mango
Woman: Oh thank GOD. I hate babies
I don’t know, but there is something strange in this decoration!馃槀
Coworker: See you next year. Hahaha
Me: Not if you die tonight. Hahaha
i dont understand why two people reaching into the same bag of snacks at the same time is considered romantic. like excuse me you are in the way of my snacks
The greatest revenge is a life well lived.
If you can’t do that, a close second is shitting on your enemy’s doorstep.
If you send her a message and she doesn’t reply in six months she is probably thinking about it
I just tried to make coffee with my air fryer, so TGIF
Him: *Head in hands*
Her: What’s happened?
Him: Well- I…I… I found this head
The Apple Watch may become so addictive it keeps people from looking at what’s truly important in life, like their iPhones.
Simultaneously brilliant and awful.
Cop: [aiming gun] Neither of you move
Imposter disguised as me: He’s the one you want, kill him…
Me: [knowing my wife bought a drum kit for our sons birthday] He is correct