me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
why am I eating & cr
I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree
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“We’re still looking for a side project”
Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses
“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”
What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?
Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.
professor x: whats your mutant power
me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls
professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power
me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics
professor x: [still standing] holy shit
Jane Fonda as bottles of hand wash.
The man who fell into an upholstery machine is now fully recovered.
Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.
Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.
dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests
date 5: i don’t think the moon is real