I want my friends and family at my funeral, but more than that, I want a mysterious stranger watching from behind a tree

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me when I get my period: why am I eating & crying so much? is my depression worsening? What if im dying??? Omg im dying this is how I die. I die soon.
me later that night: dude ur not dying this is literally what ur period is. every single time.
*next period*
why am I eating & cr


“We’re still looking for a side project”

Tornado: *raises hand* we could flip houses

“We’ve been over this, it’s not what you think it is”


What’s it called when your bar is better stocked than your pantry?



Me: Is that seat taken?
You: You are pointing at my face…
Me: I know.


professor x: whats your mutant power

me: i can guess how many pulls to turn a ceiling fan off on the first try [points up] 2 pulls

professor x: [stands up and pulls twice] not bad, but not a power

me: i’m kidding, i can heal paraplegics

professor x: [still standing] holy shit


Lowe’s banned me for yelling “From the windows! To the walls! To the sweat drop down my balls!”, as I explained how much carpet I needed.


Saw 2 of my kids hugging and then realized they were choking each other and was like, ok, that makes more sense.


dates 1-4: let me tell u about my extremely normal hobbies and interests

date 5: i don’t think the moon is real