I want my funeral to be invitation only. There are people I don’t want to be around even if I’m dead.
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“This race is over,” said Donald Trump, referring to the entire human race if he is elected president.
Why is being alive so expensive? I’m not even having a good time.
me: iced latte please
barista: what type of milk?
me: spaghetti
I’m not dramatic but my money has to be facing all the same way and right side up, otherwise the world will explode.
Parents, stop giving your kids these crazy names. I just found a love letter my son wrote to a girl named “Steven!”
Him: I’m sorry, socks in bed are kind of a deal breaker
Me: wow
My sock puppet: WOW
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
“…any reason why these 2 should not be married, speak now or…”
They’re engagement photo only got 21 likes on Facebook!
*crowd GASPS*
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
Psychic: I’m also a medium.
Me: I’m a large or extra large depending on the brand.
Yay it’s payday!
*pays bills
That was short lived.
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
“Bob is coming over for dinner tonight.”
Bob from work or Bob that ended the dinosaurs?
*the sky turns red and warm*
I think it’s totally unfair that my dad is making me paint the porch with him today, even if it is my porch
Hey babe, you look hungry. I have a meal for you in my shorts.
*whips out five course meal from my cargo shorts with still frozen dippin dots for dessert*
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
One of my biggest fears during a zombie apocalypse is having to sleep without a fan
*on my deathbed*
*groggy, dazed, & delirious*
Me: I wonder if my TC ever really loved me?
Wife: Honey, what’s a TC?
Me: *pulls plug*
I don’t know who you are, but if you don’t stop sending me phone books, I will find you…..and I will kill you.
[trying to explain blenders to medieval peasants without them thinking I’m a witch]
Imagine a knife tornado that made it so you can drink fruit.
Boss (about to fire me): I don’t know how to tell you this
Me: *suddenly behind boss, whispering in his ear* Try using your mouth, genius
My mom was concerned about my drinking so I told her I was done drinking for good. She let out a sigh of relief until I told her I was now drinking for evil.
hi why am I like this
The honesty is refreshing
NASA has no chill
Of course I get paid to be a mom. I do all the laundry and sometimes I find a dollar in a pocket and that’s mine now
Found a ring on a walk today with my husband. It’s our anniversary so he tells me “glad you found my gift…happy anniversary!!!”
I love you to the refrigerator and back
I forgot the word “memorial” so I called it a dead person shout out.