A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.
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An apple a day keeps my fruit-picking business trapped in bankruptcy.
Don’t let Pennywise sour you on the idea of hanging out in the sewers. I met some of my best friends hanging out in the sewers.
“I can try” is a great response to invitations because you’re not even committing to trying.
Keep a few cat turds in your pockets, just in case a cop searches you. He will get cat poop on his hands, and you can laugh. It’s all legal.
*eats an entire box of cereal in one sitting*
Wtf there’s no prize in this?
“Sir, we don’t sell cereal. This is Petsmart.”
Someone once asked me if I was drunk.
I said yes.
That was the shortest job interview I’ve ever had.
I was once bitten by a bear because I stuck my hand in a bear cage, in case you want to know what kind of decisions I have the potential to make.
interviewer: how do you explain this long gap in your resume?
me: self-quarantine
interviewer: but this was between 1998 and 2000
me: *looks off in distance, shivers* furbies
If two women are fighting, put them in the bathroom. Women get along very well in bathrooms
can’t afford invisalign so i’m having my teeth shrink-wrapped instead
there will never be a funnier headline than this one
One of life’s great pleasures is to watch two idiots agree on something and then hear one of them say “Great minds think alike”.
Optimus Prime: so it’s settled. I’ll be a huge cool truck, Bumblebee you’re a camaro. Any questions?
[Dan the station wagon raises his hand]
I wrote a check today at the grocery store and then I left and got on my horse and buggy and slowly drove away.
You either have a full ketchup bottle in your refrigerator or an almost empty one, there’s no in between.
Apparently I need a dongle, and I don’t know if I can buy one without giggling.
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Doctor: you have 2 weeks to live
Me: is there anything you can do?
Doctor: I can juggle
Me: nice I’ve always wanted to learn how to do that
Doctor: well it took me 3 weeks
If I’m so smart, explain to me why I can start the washing machine then five minutes later wonder where that running water sound is coming from.
All you guys crying about stepping on Legos, have you ever stepped on a Barbie shoe? Heel pointing up????
Friday: gonna work all weekend on home improvements
Saturday: well these CDs aren’t going to put themselves in chronological order
Sunday: on second thought, I’m going to rank them
[cat support technician]
Me: So you’re here to fix my computer?
Cat: *nods*
Me: Great, here it is.
Cat: *lays on keyboard & falls asleep*
Whosoever eateth the last brownie shall forever be shamed
[Walking my chihuahua]
Dude: “Is it OK if I pet you dog?”
Me: “Sure. Go ahead”
*Dude pets dog; dog bites off 3 fingers
Dude: “Aaargh. WTF, man!”
Me: “Yeah. I wish he’d stop doing that.”
coworker: those are some crazy socks
me: well I guess th-
socks: THE GOVERNMENT RECORDS ALL OF OUR PHONE CALLS & IS HIDING UFO EVIDENCE
You can rain on my parade but please don’t poop in my punch bowl.
A wine sampling? How delightful. I’d also like to experience only a titch of love and a morsel of happiness.
“I’m sorry, but are you suggesting what I think you’re suggesting?” -Fun way to confuse a waiter who just suggested a menu item
Post that you’re pregnant on facebook: 88 likes and 31 comments.
Tweet that you’re pregnant on twitter: 2 stars and 491 unfollows
Sex is great and all but finish your damn Kale!!