I want my headstone to have lots of typos so I can continue annoying people.
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Please. Stop. Tweeting. Stop. Like. Stop.This.Stop. It. Stop. Looks.stop.Like.stop A stop.Telegram.stop so. Stop. Please. Stop!
LADIES imagine this,
its 15 years from now. your son is up to bat. your daughter is cheering him on in the stands. your husband is nowhere to be found, you start to worry he’ll miss the game. suddenly, a tiny red convertible pulls up on the field. its your husband, Stuart Little
Don’t tell me to “relax” and then get mad when I pee my pants.
kinda feel like the bridge overreacted
my dentist called to tell me they overcharged me by $150 on my last visit which was cool at first but then i remembered that i only paid $130 for that visit and now i’m like, damn, how bad did they **** up my teeth that they were somehow supposed to owe me $20?
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
me: so where do you go to school
new babysitter: It’s private
me: oh *whispering* I won’t tell anyone
Me: [struggling with 4 kids at grocery store]
Lady: you have your hands full
Me: the little one is great with cats
Lady: what?
Me: you can take one
Lady: *nervous laugh*
Me: they love old people
Lady: *walking away*
Me: take one, please!
I always keep a gun in my pocket so people won’t think I’m happy to see them.
*gets stuck halfway through a somersault*
This is how I live now.
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
*fire alarm goes off at typewriter factory, causing all employees to jump up at the same time and wedge together in the doorway*
I have a fairly substantial belly for someone who’s empty inside.
I think we all know that Hungry Eyes was written about pizza.
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
me: i’d like to buy a data storage system
assistant: hard drive
me: yes the freeway was gridlocked
Cashier: Did you find everything you needed?
Me: Oh what I need you can’t find in stores, if you know what I mean.
C:
Me: Yes I’m good, thanks.
Some of you make me glad your pics aren’t scratch and sniff.
Lmao
Dating is just not ghosting someone after sex over and over til you’re suddenly married.
Frodo: Holy crap, I’ve never seen anyone fight like that! How did you get so good?
Legolas: (thinking back to when Santa wouldn’t pay for his health care) … Dragons.
“Take one pill on an empty stomach”
Me: What’s an empty stomach?
“Jesus take the wheel” I say as the car hurtles down the highway
“Not that one” I whisper moments too late
Turns out “V for Vendetta” is not an educational movie and it won’t teach your kids the alphabet
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
I just got the lawnmower out and just like magic my sons disappeared
Picture this. You’re blind folded. Sandra Bullock tells you not to look. You look. You’re surrounded by garbage and dirty socks. But how can this be? It smells amazing? This is a febreeze commercial.
“if your electricity goes out, you come see me before you do anything else.”
-fuse box on a power trip.
me: have you seen my hoodie?
her: you mean our hoodie???
Professor X: what’s your superpower?
Me: I’m half horse, half Isaac Newton
Professor X: oh… ok. listen, we don’t have any openings right now bu-
Me: they call me The Centaur of Gravity
Professor X: welcome aboard