I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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I don’t know why I would ever look to Google for reassurance when it keeps me well-fed with headlines like, “The No. 1 Sign There’s a Snake in Your Car”
[shopping]
My Son: This chair will hold up to 300 pounds!
Me: Why did you look at me when you said that?
How to stay sober during #GOPDebate drinking games:
Take a shot every time someone tells the truth.
Me: OMG WHAT THE HELL
Child: The news said it’s more sanitary to sneeze into an elbow.
Me: THEY MEAN YOUR OWN ELBOW
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Glen, the spatula: *giggling* ok ok shhhh watch this
Me: *trying to open the drawer* what the-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ* dammit-*ᴄʜᴜɴᴋ*
The other Utensils: *going nuts* GLEN! GLEN! GLEN! GLEN!
Dear Starbucks:
The pumpkins called. Even they think it’s too early.
He asked what my favorite position was… I said CEO
Me: A hundred years from now, who’ll care if I have a second piece of pie?
145 year old me: God, I’m fat
The roadside sobriety tests are really getting tough … now you have to name all the Kardashians while folding a fitted sheet.
A body cam but for when you send your husband to the grocery store
windshields shouldn’t exist. if god intends for a f450 to kick up a rock on the highway that busts my skull into 7 pieces. if that’s how im meant to die. who the hell is kia to stop god
FITNESS TIP: Stretching is important. Stretch out flat on your back. Stretch your eyelids over your eyes. Stretch a blanket over your body.
Her: could things get any worse?
Me: *adds raisins* there you go.
Replace someone’s MRI with a dancing skeleton gif once, and you’ll never be asked to deliver bad news again.
When a cop asks if you know why you were pulled over, respond, “I’m actually not allowed to discuss the details of the case”
The last time I was this drunk and covered in glitter, it had nothing to do with Christmas.
Husband: You said you’d work out with me today, but you’re just sitting on the couch.
Me: I’m getting plenty of exercise RUNNING my mouth!
Him: …
Me: …
Him: …
Me: RUNNING my mouth. You know, like R-
Him: I’m gonna agitate a wasp’s nest and lock you outside
barista: name for the latte?
me: it’s Zach with an “h”
*two minutes later*
barista: i’ve got a latte for Hach
me: *cracks knuckles*
bully: let’s do this
me: i would but i’ve just broken my hand
Mad Max: Furry Road
So all them black Harry Potter wizards just sat there and let slavery happen?
Superman: Where’s Batman?
Wonder Woman: *shrugs*
Firestorm: I dunno
Green Lantern: …
Superman: Oh shit, we forgot Batman can’t fly again!!
I just read a story about someone finding a dead body at a Walmart. HOW EMBARRASING, I’d never be caught dead at a Walmart.
*knocks on neighbor’s door*
*asks if their dog can come out and play*
The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
– i
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Girls are always taking your hoodies but you take one of their dresses and suddenly they’re all like “we need to talk.”
*seasons greetings*
*eats greetings*
Uber driver: “I’m close, where are you?”
Me: “oh I see you”
Uber Driver: “Are you the guy in the middle of the road?”
Me: “yeah floor it”