@NYC_Blonde

I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.

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@Holy_Mowgli

[police station]

LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders

SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine

SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?

bus driver: can’t but thanks

@LostFelicia

I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.

@1Happytwit

You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.

@ArfMeasures

[First date]
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!

ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though

HER [Batman voice] thanks

@dave_cactus

ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.

@emmabetsinger

There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.

@Lisa_Laughs_

Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.