LIEUTENANT: do you have an alibi for the night of the murders
SAILOR: i was a hundred feet below sea level in a submarine
SERGEANT: dammit boss that’s airtight
I want my headstone to read “loving wife, evil dictator”.
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me: hey i noticed you always sit alone wanna find a seat together?
bus driver: can’t but thanks
Pantibros before pantihose?
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
You shouldn’t judge people. What if that bloke outside your window with a clown mask and knife is just a chef that lost his way.
Huge, if true.
HER: When I find someone attractive, my voice goes all high-pitched, I can’t help it!
ME: Aw that’s kind of cute though
HER [Batman voice] thanks
ME: How are you?
GUY WHO JUST FOUND OUT ABOUT THE WORD ROBUST: Robust.
There’s plenty of fish in the sea but you know what else there is? Trash. There is a lot of trash in the sea.
Guys I have to work a total of like 18 hours today. Someone hold me. Under water.