I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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[during a plane crash]
Woman sitting next to me: OMG WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!
Me: WHEEEEEEEEE!!!!
What if Tony soprano was holding a cat like The Godfather but the cat is Garfield
My office has started random urine testing of employees to detect traces of hope or optimism.
In Jurassic Park, the scene where the raptor opens the door to the kitchen and stalks the kids, Spielberg had originally wanted to have the dinosaur bake a tray of Macarons as a display of its intelligence, but writer Michael Crichton insisted that it would be “too much”.
Sometimes I wish I understood what some of you said and sometimes I am happy that I don’t.
When the inventor of the USB stick dies they’ll gently lower the coffin, then pull it back up, turn it the other way, then lower it again.
My proper Mom said to get fully dressed for a party and then remove one item.
But people always give me odd looks when I don’t wear pants.
I seduce the ladies with my encyclopedic knowledge of dung beetle larvae.
Roses are red,
Bumble bees buzz,
This rhyme doesn’t rhyme,
No, wait, yes it does.
STOP CALLING ME. IF I EVER PLANNED ON TALKING TO YOU AGAIN I WOULDN’T HAVE BORROWED ALL THAT MONEY.
My wife is leaving for work and I just told the baby “no pooping today.”
Once accidentally liked an insta of someone I hadn’t spoken to in yrs so I had to like 1/2 her entire feed & reach out abt getting lunch
I need to get organized and plan ahead
*starts thawing the thanksgiving turkey
Average age of billionaires: 65
Average age of billionaires in books: 35
If the radius of a pizza is Z and the thickness is A, then the volume of pizza is PI x Z x Z x A. #asianshowingoff
Immediately after giving birth to me my mom was charged with crimes against humanity
My phone dies, freeing me from my prison. I look up at the world. Deer live in my house.
Some say their relationship is built on trust. Others, friendship. Mine is built on an ancient Indian burial ground.
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
husband: *picking up a hoodie lying on the chair*
me: technically it’s yours, but I’ll let you borrow it
husband: don’t worry, I know who wears the hoodie in this family
evanescence – noun: the process of vanishing or fading out of sight, memory, or existence.
So that’s what happened. Great band name, guys.
i raised my dog to treat all people as equals
whether they be grey, grey, grey or grey
The families in Eggo commercials live in nice houses and appear wealthy. Why are they always fighting over one shitty frozen waffle?
Demi Lovato is my favorite singer that is half human, half Lovato.
This is sending me to another galaxy
i can’t wait that long
[Nightcap]
Me: *giving tour* and this is my room.
Her: It’s….a….nice.
Me: Let me stop you there. The He-man sheets are purely decorative and in no way a reflection of my prowess in bed.
If we’ve learned anything from history…
I’d be amazed.
Pillow 1: I hate their big heads
Pillow 2: And that dandruff
Pillow 1: Sometimes he puts me between his legs
Pillow 2: GROSS*Pillow Talk
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other