I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.

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I passed a homeless guy who asked “Any change!?” I said “Nope, your still dirty and homeless”. We laughed and laughed and then he stabbed me


I can’t wait for the next Oscars dead-person montage when all the celebs Joan Rivers insulted have to applaud her.


ME: Doc, it hurts, did anything break

DOCTOR: Your hip

ME: Well, yeah, Daddy-O, but did anything break


I tried playing dead to see how my 6 yr old would react… turns out if i die he’ll poke me and go down stairs and eat chips…


You see a Honda, a Toyota, a Chevy, and another Honda. I see four people who aren’t getting that parking space. Hang on.


17: Want to see a movie?
Me: Sure.
17: Afternoon show only, so no one sees us together.
Me: Ok. *Posts pic on IG. Tags all her friends.


Facebook tells me those vans are dangerous, but Twitter says they have candy. So conflicted.


In our house, we have mandatory family time where the four of us can only text each other.