I want my hearse to have ‘JUST DIED’ written on the windshield with cans tied to the rear bumper.
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Target cashier: “Did you find everything you needed okay?”
Me: “I DIDN’T NEED ANY OF THIS.”
The worst part about being humble is that you can’t even brag about it.
Riding up in the elevator with a bunch of children. So much screaming & crying. You’d think one of them would ask me what the hell’s wrong.
Either my 1 year old found the stash of markers or she head-butted a rainbow.
*bother*
*bother*
*bother*
“WHY ARE YOU BEING SO MEAN TO ME FOR NO REASON”
[road trip]
Child: I spy with my little eye…something with a huge bald spot and-
Me: PLAY SOMETHING ELSE
The 90s were a glorious time because you were always surprised where Pizza Hut was going to hide more cheese
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
There is no life on earth without water.
Because without water, there is no coffee.
And without coffee, I’ll kill you all.
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
41 years old and I find myself in the grip of an identity crisis. Do I became a hat guy or a shaved-head guy?
Do the republicans shocked that Trump is their nominee also get surprised when they put cake batter in the oven and it becomes a cake?
ON THE INTERNET : Ughh.. I hate people so much..
APPLYING FOR JOB : I love working with people and I am very sociable
A funny thing to do would be to text random numbers with “I got the live bees you sent, they’ll do nicely”
To the Canada goose standing on one leg I watched for six minutes to make sure you had two legs: you sure took your sweet time about it
eminem: look, if you only had one shot-
me: I’d ask for more shots
eminem: you can’t… *rubbing bridge of nose* you can’t ask for more shots
Eels, the slap bracelets of the sea.
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
People are so confusing! This guy asked for “thirsty” DM’s
“Make it look like you really want it!” he stressed.I sent a ton of pics of me chugging various beverages. I even tried to look thirsty in every single one. I’m now blocked!
Me: Our house is always so messy! What can we do?
Husband: I’m inclined to ask the kids to leave
A man who pretends to be rich in order to attract pretty, young women is not a “Sugar Daddy”.
He’s an artificial sweetner.
School email said if we shop at a certain store a potion will be donated, and that sounds way more exciting than money
her: wow you wear those jeans everyday you must have like 5 pairs
me: [owns 1 pair of jeans] haha, 6 actually
I have decided to take a martial arts class to deal with the mall’s aggressive kiosk people.
Just how popey was the pope today?
Doctor: you’re never too old to start exercising
Me: cool thanks i’ll start in maybe like 15 years then
“I farms the taters…”
“…and I mashes the taters.”
Palaeontology teaches us dinosaurs were flat and lived underground
When I open the washing machine lid mid-cycle, I feel like I’ve entered a party where everybody suddenly stops dancing and stares at me.
listen *drags cigarette* you don’t wanna tweet, kid *exhales* we already did all the jokes