I want my house to be tidy enough so that if someone drops by unexpectedly it doesn’t look like we’re six days into battling a poltergeist.
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Don’t flatter yourself lady, I wasn’t winking at you. I was winking at that biscuit you’re eating.
I don’t wash my car for months but the first week I do it rains 5 times. 😡
Me: *upon exiting the womb* you’ll be hearing from my lawyer
[harry potter at work]
Coworker: you can see those crazy winged horses huh
Harry: a thestral, yes
Coworker: cause you saw whosamort kill your classmate
Harry: his name was cedric & it was a very dark point in my life
Coworker: so speaking of dark the copier needs more toner
[on the train]
Conductor: Ticket please
Me: *hands it over*
C: Lady this is a speeding ticket
M: *sighs* That’s why I’m on the train
I may appear calm on the outside…
…but pigeons are attacking a french fry in my head.
5 yo- Why are you always with your husband?
Me- *questioning everything in my life* Because we live together?
I love it all
When I put my mind to something I can procrastinate about anything.
I’ll never salute you, General Settings
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
Will I ever see the word “antipasta” on a menu and not think on dumb reflex “wow, pasta’s nemesis”
me: what’s your sign
chef: spisces
[murder scene]
Snail detective 1-He left a decent trail
SD2- Let’s track him down
*10 hours later*
SD1-Damn that guy is fast
The bad news: I shaved off my beard.
The good news: none of my co-workers recognize me and have stopped talking to me.
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
Autocorrect just changed “loose cannon” to “loser cannon” and now I’m imagining all the people I could shoot out of it.
howdy. i’m a sheriff in this here movie or show. and if i see somethin startlin? well… best believe i’m takin my hat off at it. real slow
I don’t remember taking this vow of celibacy.
Paul McCartney wrote ‘Yesterday’
But he also wrote ‘Obla-de-obla-da’ and ‘Ebony and Ivory’
So, don’t worry if some of your tweets are shit
I’m from the 80’s. We ate cookies instead of deleting them.
Spent $20 on face coverings for my kids but I’m saving thousands of dollars on braces.
Child: Do you have any cool side effects from your vaccine shot?
Me: No super powers, but I do look more handsome today.
Child: So, it’s affected your vision?
Last night a burglar broke into my house but I quickly popped open a bag of potato chips & hid in all that free space.
“Whats the deal with all this airline food?”
-Sharks in Malaysia
“Only 105 days until summer break.” -my kids teacher at school pickup on the first day back from winter break
my mind
You just read my mind
[infomercial]
ME: wanna know how to lose 15 lbs with 1 easy trick?!
AUDIENCE: YES!
*a surgeon amputates my leg right there on stage*
Getting a text from someone when I’m trying to tweet is the emotional equivalent to walking into a spider web.