I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.

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If pizza places cold called people’s homes and asked if they wanted to order a pizza, I guarantee you their business would triple.


Interesting how Lassie always happens to be at the scene when a kid “falls” down a well.


Me: I’m not going to spend money on a Halloween costume this year.

Also me: *comes home with 5 Halloween costumes for my dog*


You think you’re tired? Try being a child who’s been asked to put away their own laundry that’s been washed, folded and delivered to their room for them.


They say a woman deserves a man that looks at her every day like it’s the first time he’s seen her. It’s wrong to promote Alzheimer’s.


Time out. Otters not only sleep holding hands, but have a SPECIAL POCKET to hold their favorite rock? Humans are bullshit.


Take Dr. Seuss, make him a black midget with chronic asthma and give him access to Urban Dictionary. Behold, Lil’ Wayne.


My nephew asked, ‘Do you have a New Years hangover today?’ I said, ‘No. Hangovers are for people who stop drinking’.


girl [smiling]: hey, how are you!?
me [visibly nervous]: not much!


A guy who lives on my street rang my doorbell and said, “Are you the lesbian who saves the cats?” And I said, “Yes. That’s exactly who I am. Let me get my coat.”