I want my house to be tidy enough that if someone unexpectedly stops by, it doesn’t look like we’re seven hours in to battling a bear that broke in.
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It’s like my dad always used to say, “Don’t go around acting like the Village idiot.”
wife: *handing me a bowl of raspberries* we have to eat these before they go bad
me: that is true of literally every food
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
Not sure what a Shakira coochie board is but white people really like it
Headline: “Female-named hurricanes kill more than male hurricanes because people don’t respect them, study finds”.
AKA, “My eye is up here”.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Signs that your pet dog might be a scorpion:
– Has six legs
– Fewer people want to pet it
– Responds to popular scorpion names like ‘Maurice’ or ‘Steve’
– Has a tail made of ouch
I’ve known my dog for 11 years but she still eats like I’m going to steal it from her
party idea: “DUI or IUD?” u can only invite people who have one or both and u CAN’T divulge which
I just took the Christmas tree down. Gonna dye Easter eggs this afternoon.
Groom: I do.
Priest: And..
Me: can you give me a minute? [pulls best friend aside] ok what should I say because I don’t wanna look as though I like him too much and seem needy will I just say lol or make a joke.
People who give you their attention only when they’re lonely or bored…
No thank you.
I already have a cat.
“Don’t judge a book by its cover” is the worst advice ever.
That’s literally where title is. And the description. All the information about the book besides the actual story is ON THE COVER.
Husband: Come on baby, do that thing that I love.
Me: *stuffs an entire jelly doughnut into my mouth*
Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
It takes only one person in this world to make you smile. It’s called a plastic surgeon.
Who decided that we have to get stuff done every day?
[someone is nice to me]
*checks if wallet’s still in my pocket*
Lockdown was an unfortunate time for the launch of my party supplies business. I’ve got more unsold piñatas than you can shake a stick at.
The words “casual” and “casualty” have nothing to do with each other, and that’s why I don’t trust the English language
me: you don’t listen to a thing I say, I’m leaving you
bf: haha I know right
#SomethingYouDontWantToHear
Oops. The surgery went well but…..
I accidentally asked for a “large” coffee at Starbucks and some kid standing behind me swallowed his vape pen.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
*travels back in time*
*follows Albert Einstein*
*waits for him to trip*
*yells “Way to go, Einstein!”*
*returns satisfied to present*
If horror movies have taught me anything it’s that you can build a house on an Indian burial ground & yet still be haunted by white people.
Every Beastie Boys song is like “three little piggies, egg-fried rice, I spy some girlies and they all look nice”
Listen buddy, I don’t know why I’m doing karate in your bedroom either, sometimes things happen