I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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I’d like to be so rich I forgot what country I left my private jet at after a crazy weekend
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
genie: you could end world hunger or all wars-
me: no i’m sure this is my wish
[elsewhere]
mcdonalds ceo: [sitting up in bed] we need to sell mcsoup
Waiter: here’s your milksha-
James Bond: grrrrrrr
Waiter: -stirred your milkstirred
<at a baptism>
*leans over*
Me:What’s the WiFi password?
Him:Jesus Christ, dude!
Me:That makes sense….is it case sensitive?
– Are you sure?
-defenet… difini… difine… YES IM SURE!
JOHN LENNON: Imagine all the people living life in peace.
ME: That’s beautiful.
CARL DOUGLAS: Okay, now imagine they were kung fu fighting.
ME: No you’re right that’s better. Carl’s is better.
If theres an otter, youre underwater. If a ferret you see, then on land you be.
Maybe the Earth really is flat and we’re just on one of God’s refrigerator magnets.
I called my son’s school to see if they would take him a week early and apparently they “don’t do that” and I “need to stop calling.”
People: “I want 2020 to be like the roarin’ twenties!”
Earth: “Alright, infectious disease is spreading.”
People: “No, not like that.”
Earth: “The US stock market is tanking.”
People: “Wait…”
Earth: “LMAO Bars can’t be open anymore.”
Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
Back in 2012 my wife & I were the victims of a horrific & terrifying home invasion that left us mentally scarred & unable to sleep. But our daughter’s 5 now & we’ve actually grown quite fond of her.
day 1 of quarantine: Today I will write the great American novel
day 32 of quarantine: Today I will marry my parakeet to my other parakeet
her: my parents are gone 😉
liam neeson: ok when did u see them last
hi, how are you?
–yoda asking how high you are
wife: I’m leaving you
me: is it because I cheated on you
wife: wha- no it’s because you keep bringing around your friend Mike who says ‘uh oh spaghetti-os’ when bad things happen
the closet: uh oh spaghetti-os
Incredible news from Britain. This changes everything
Etiquette advice please: I can smell that my neighbour’s grilling burgers
Do I bring my own paper plate or is he obligated to provide one
“All you need is love.”
-billionaire musicians
Weird how I can’t seem to reach anything at the grocery store when bearded men are around
Got caught by three red lights on my way home and now my avocados are bad
My boys are all taking a week break from electronics. This morning I introduced myself to them and showed them around our home. then I took them outside and showed them the big bright light in the sky.
Her: I love it when we finish each other’s
Him: pancakes
Me: OMG, what a great day!
Anxiety: Wait for it…
I came home to find my boyfriend mopping the floor and my first thought was, “who’d he kill?”
Them: I’ve got athlete’s foot
Cop: wh-where’s the rest of the body
I think the worst part about the collapse of civilization will be all those people with no way to remove their braces.
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?