@ramblinma

I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.

You Might Also Like

@delusions_of

Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.

@Lisabug74

I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.

@NickadooLA

I don’t understand interventions.

What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?

@OhHiAlyPie

“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away

@ObscureGent

[First day as a henchman in a video game]

Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?

@luckyshirt

I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.

Which is why I eat well-loved children.

@Matt_The_1st

I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan

@eminmien

“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”

No.

“I’ve got plenty of time.”

Sure.

“I’m not lonely.”

Sir, are you going to buy anything?

@lejessica

They say treat others how you would like to be treated.

Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.