Anything can be used as a dartboard. Like your coworker Jim who always says “another day in paradise”.
I want my kids to have a fun childhood, but like a lazy, quiet kind of fun that doesn’t cost anything.
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I successfully cleared a path from the front door to the TV. Now I can watch Hoarders.
I don’t understand interventions.
What’s the point of being told I drink too much by a room full of the reasons I drink in the first place?
“I just really need a good man to fill the hole”
*100 men come running up
“In my heart.”
*100 men run away
[First day as a henchman in a video game]
Me: how about we safely store these red flammable barrels somewhere instead of using them for cover?
I don’t eat animals because I object to how poorly they are treated and raised.
Which is why I eat well-loved children.
before quarantine vs after quarantine
I applied for a loan from the U.S. Government, but was turned down because I had a legitimate repayment plan
“There’s nothing wrong with being single.”
“I’ve got plenty of time.”
“I’m not lonely.”
Sir, are you going to buy anything?
They say treat others how you would like to be treated.
Now I have to go out on a date with a guy and treat him like a princess.