I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

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So when a cop asks you why you have a handcuff key on your key ring, saying it was his wife’s idea will get you a free ride in his cop car


An entire cheerleader civilization was wiped out in the eruption at Pompompeii.



Happy April Fools!!!


Happy April, Fools!!!


“I don’t understand swimming. You don’t see fish going for a walk.”


Between the potato masher and the apple slicer, it’s a wonder my kitchen drawer opens.

Correction: It doesn’t.


I wear a ski mask to bed so if there’s a home invasion the intruder will think I’m part of the team.


Sometimes when I get a compliment I stop, moonwalk out of the room and yell “Thank You “just to leave them hanging.


I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.


If anyone is interested I’ll be signing books tomorrow at Barnes & Noble from 6:00pm until I get escorted out by security.


Me: Rest assured I will go to the grave with your secret.

Pat: Thank you.

Me: Unfortunately so will my golfing buddies.