There are going to be a lot of drunk mosquitos tonight.
I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.
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Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”
Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]
I DON’T OVERREACT
Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.
‘can you smell what the Lord is cookin?’
– Christian Rock
When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no
You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.
My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
Congress now sees where balls are located.