@UnfilteredMama

I want my kids to know they can always talk to me about anything going on in their lives.

Except Fortnite.

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@Abusitron

Waitress: “Enjoy your meal”
Patron: “you too”

Patron: ‘why did I say that?’
Waitress: [being force-fed the 6th plate of food of her shift]

@FredPollack

Flirting is a way of life, the moment you stop is when you’re dead … then your spouse cleans the gun and places it in your hand.

@LemmingDad

When children vomit, sometimes it sounds like they’re saying the names of Ikea furniture.

@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no

@Shot_Of_Cabo

You had a bad 2015, 2016, 2017, 2018 and you’re hoping for a good 2019? Ain’t you precious.

@offbeatoliv

My ancestry DNA results came back: 100% German pancake batter

@UncleDuke1969

Government Shutdown: Day 13

Anthony Weiner decides to help.

He takes a photo.

He tweets.

Congress now sees where balls are located.