Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

Someone send Kendall Jenner onto a United flight with a Pepsi, stat.

Me: oh wow, do I detect just a hint a peppermint?

Cellmate: *stabbing me in the neck with a Candy Cane shiv* what is wrong with you?!

Next time you’re having a bad day just remember that alligators spend their whole lives looking like they’re trying to do a push-up.

I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.

i love when dog owners are like “our dog is very food-motivated!” like yeah. it’s a dog

This is so embarrassing, what’s your name again?

– me, the first 30 times I meet everyone

If my toddler doesn’t stay in bed this time, he’s watching Game of Thrones. I don’t even care that he hasn’t seen the first season yet.

Today is the one day I don’t get weird looks from people for carrying around my pillow case full of chocolates.

Mother: We named you after my father

Me: Yeah, I understand how time works

[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work

I’m like a siren of the sea, except I lure my victims by smelling like garlic bread

A diamond is forever, and so is my teen’s grudge against me for giving her a sister and not a brother 10 years ago.

I don’t work from home because there are too many distractions. My house has a TV and a PlayStation and it’s impossible to concentrate on these if I have to work.

If you love something set it free. If it comes back, celebrate with some delicious tacos. If it doesn’t that’s twice the tacos for you.

People have ruined this planet and now they’re just like “Tag, you’re it!” to Mars.

I was gonna say “that’s the stupidest thing I’ve ever heard” but, I wanna wait to hear what you have to say next..

#CancelDJDarrellRipley

My son just asked me to buy a book for school that he needs to read by tomorrow.

Now I need to go hide all my procrastination awards before I yell at him for procrastinating.

Turn up? At my age, I’m just happy when I can turn over.

I like the word amongst. That’s it.

Talk amongst yourselves about it if any amongst you feel the need.

me: for lent i’m giving up kids

kids: what?

me: [pushing kids out the door into the snow] i gotta do it for God

He called me an angel but I’m pretty sure he meant angle because I’m always right.

Hello I am Tightbeard McShoulderchest and my favourite workout is standing in everyone’s way in front of the gym equipment checking my phone

(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds

*yawns, while roaring like a dinosaur*
*everyone in the church looks at me*
*waves with T-rex arms*

Just had a drink at an airport Bubba Gump Shrimp Co and I’m appalled they don’t have a cocktail named Rum Forrest Rum.

I asked my 4 year old why he was heading into the garage and he casually replied, “don’t worry, dad, I’m just grabbing a hammer.” I know I should intervene, but part of me hopes he’s going to fix the loose baseboard in the hallway.

Interestingly, if we invade North Korea because it caused us to miss a movie, that still won’t be the worst reason we ever went to war.

Me: *researching sore foot*

WebMD: Dropped the frozen turkey again huh?

My date didn’t go as planned and now I don’t know what to do with this kiddie pool full of nacho cheese.