@UnicornSyrup

I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.

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@rodtopia

I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.

I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.

@PleaseBeGneiss

Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late

Spider’s wife: what took so long?

Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout

Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again

Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure

@phaggots

*about to rob a bank*

“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”

i dont need one

“why not”

i already have two

*kisses biceps*

@RodLacroix

Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:

[6 AM]

Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Child: YAY
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.

@philgibson01

“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”

What do you mean?

“It’s all denty”

@TitaniumToplass

I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.