I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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My newest passion is making up sex positions when weird dudes ask my favorite. I’m a big fan of the Flying Lacrosse Kick, but I also really like the Tightrope Nanny.
Me: Do that thing I like
Him: [panics because I’m very inconsistent]
[mocking jay part 2]
jay: come on guys please stop
There are two types of people in this world, avoid both.
Ok parents who have really clean houses, do you have outdoor pets and outdoor kids? How does this work?
A gorgeous woman’s been staring me down from across this cafe for an hour. The wildly handsome man directly behind me must be super jealous.
Kissed a receipt to lighten my lipstick but I need it to return something & now some cashier is gonna think I’m flirting.
( 12pm. )
Friends: Want to go grab some lunch?
Me: Nah, I’m on a diet.
( 12am )
Me:
I know the birds that flew south for winter mad as hell right now.
I took a BEFORE picture of my living room, and then I set a timer for 30 minutes. The AFTER picture looked the same?? 🤔
They didn’t leave much room for new models when they called it the ‘ULTRA-Sound’. “Mr Sutherland, I’ll book you in for a Sonic-Boom”
Kristen Stewart seems like one of those missing milk carton kids who was raised by their kidnapper.
Boss: Are you drinking liquor at work?
*flashes back to pouring apple juice into a whiskey bottle bc I couldn’t find a thermos*
“Yes”
My mom: I cringe when I hear people say things like “I got my hair did” or “I’m shook”
My niece: ok grammar
“Dad, are we pyromaniacs?”
” Yes, we arson.”
(understanding 0% of what I’m being told as i’m getting trained for my new job) that all makes perfect sense, no questions
Each week our panel of 3 celebrity chefs compete to create the ultimate final meal for a death row inmate on LAST SUPPER, this fall on FOX
cop: omg they trashed your apartment
me: yes, it was them
Just got invited to an “alcohol-free” wedding. The happy couple will be sad when they realize it’s going to be a “present-free” wedding too.
What did people count before they counted Mississippis? Mesopotamias? Kathmandus? Cucamongas?
the cvs cashier asked me how im doing as i put some diarrhea medicine on the counter. “not great man ive got diarrhea” i told him
My dog is either dreaming or can’t quite figure out how to shape shift.
Any salad can be a Caesar salad if you stab it enough
If you’re wondering about who the oldest James Bond was, don’t google ‘old man bond age’
20/__ — Cyclops with perfect vision
One side of our sink has a garbage disposal. The other side is where my daughter just dumped a full bowl of cereal.
Turn on noise canceling on your AirPods if you want to experience what it’s like to think a killer has broken into your home anytime anyone in your family approaches you from behind.
Going back in time, y’all need anything?
“My, what big ears you have!”
All the better to hear you, my dear!
“And what big arms you have!”
All the… actually this is getting hurtful