I want my remains to be scattered all over the beach when I die.
Also, I don’t want to be cremated.
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I once dated a woman who thought windmills were solar powered.
I’m so glad I don’t drink anymore.
Help with the chores. #WhatCatsDoWhileWeSleep
Found an eyelash on my pizza.
Wished for more pizza.
Itsy bitsy spider (drenched): sorry I’m late
Spider’s wife: what took so long?
Itsy bitsy spider: I got washed down the water spout
Spider’s wife: you won’t be climbing up that again
Itsy bitsy spider: yeah… for sure
*about to rob a bank*
“Okay, lets do this. Everybody, grab a gun”
i dont need one
i already have two
Coronavirus Quarantine Diary, Day 11:
Me [waking Child]: Hey.
Child: mmmph what
Me: It snowed last night so you have no school today.
Me: Just kidding get up you’re homeschooled now.
“This undercooked pasta is an absolute car crash”
What do you mean?
“It’s all denty”
Going as a hashtag for Halloween so everybody ignores me.
I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives. nnThe police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.