I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.
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it was the best of times, it was the cursed of times
Me: “I feel like this bottom tooth has shifted, they’re not as straight as they should be.”
Orthodontist: “Are you wearing your Invisalign trays every night?”
Me: …
…
… “What’s your point?”
My billionaire can beat up your billionaire.
A toddler will look you dead in the eye and ask you if it’s Christmas soon when Christmas was yesterday
As a funeral director, I always tie the shoe laces together of the deceased.The zombie apocalypse will be hilarious.
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
Just saw a BMW double-parked at the grocery store. Nature is healing.
we just got an unexpected parcel from my mother in law with a lovely set of iron windchimes and we could not figure out why on earth she’d sent us a gift so we rang her and turns out we both forgot it’s our anniversary tomorrow
*through a mouthful of Nutella*
Oh, yeah, healfy eafing is sufer imfortant to me.
First minute of hiccups: teehee listen to me i’m so cute
10th minute of hiccups: I YEARN FOR THE SWEET RELEASE OF DEATH
Friend: Hi, How have you been?
Me: Why? What have you heard?
If someone asked me to describe myself in one word, I’d say, “nope.”
Not to brag but my wife and I can hold complete conversations by rage loading the dishwasher
Dr: Have you been exercising?
Me: I’ll take blatant lies for $200, Alex
😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂
“I know not with what weapons World War III will be fought, but World War IV will be fought with sticks and stones.”
It isn’t aging very well, but In fairness, Einstein probably didn’t know the third one would be fought with hand sanitizer
My wife took a bunch of my clothes to make a scarecrow today and seeing it come together I realized I dress like a scarecrow.
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Apparently I was involved in a class action lawsuit against AT&T. Anyway, I just got a check for $1.33 if anyone wants to party.
When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Every viral tweet now has like 9 followups from the author like:
My husband got me flowers!
I wanted to clarify my husband and I do equal housework
I did not know tulip farms were so bad for the environment, sorry
I apologize that this was insensitive to people with allergies
Thank goodness I’m loud and obnoxious all the time, so my family can’t blame it on the alcohol.
Before you refer to someone as your ex, make sure they know you dated.
Greek yogurt should have Greek names.
“What flavor you got?”
“Strawberry-Banananopoulos”
Magician: I need a volunteer. [man stands] Not you. [woman stands] Not you. GARY GET UP HERE! [Gary goes up] We’ve never met before, right?
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
ME: omg I love your accent! Say that again!
MY AUSTRALIAN WIFE: You’re shallow and selfish. I’m leaving you and taking the kids.