@daddysdigest

I want my toddler to be independent but I also want this banana peeled before I die.

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@nwntwrth

a gang that’s all undercover cops but they all think they’re the only undercover cop in the gang

@WhaJoTalkinBout

him: my dad left when I was little
me: when
him: 7
me: before rush hour, smart move

@UncleDuke1969

Superman: How’d you know?
Lex: Know what?
S: My secret identity!
L: Whaddya mean?
S: You called me a KENT!!
L: That’s NOT what I called you.

@sixfootcandy

Me: Throw it back. It’s too small.
Him: Ma’am, this is your child.
Me: Fine. Use him as bait.

@dubstep4dads

“haha! silly rabbit! trix are for-” *rabbit puts a gun to the kids head* who are they for billy. tell me again who they’re for

@chellemybell22

Me: Alright girls today we are going to watch a little video about bullying and self defense.

8yo daughter: Ugh, are we watching The Karate Kid again!?

Me: Why, yes we are!

@Carbosly

A walk of shame is always sad. Don’t make it worse by adding the sound of Flip flops to it.