@HelloCullen

I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it

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@just1fool

Most of my life consists of trying to keep up with what’s not cool so I can be sure to avoid any small talk.

@weinerdog4life

Wanna know my secret to rock hard abs? I ride the mechanical duck outside the grocery store 300 times a day.

@FatherWithTwins

7yo: What are these?

Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.

7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time

@TheHatStore

her: wow your armpit is really big

me: yeah *tosses another limb onto the pile* I used a bulldozer

@bigmacher

Ugly sweater day at work. I’m wearing a new, really nice expensive sweater but walking around saying “ugh, please, this old thing.”

@benicus_rex

The barber asked me “do u have any kids” & I said “I do not, no” and he got very quiet, realize now he probs thought I said “I do not know”

@DennisLWeaver

Friend: I love FB but it’s gettin a lil boring.
Me: Well that’s cause all the cool peeps are on Twi- ..uh are all dead. Yeah they all died.

@david8hughes

[in ambulance]
“Sir, do you know your blood type?”
“Yeah [coughs & points to wound] red.”

@delusions_of

If you think I’m sexy now wait till you see me eat a cheeseburger with no hands.

@causticbob

My wife asked me today if I would ever cheat on her. I replied, “Who else would I cheat on?”