I want my tombstone to just say “You should see the other guy” on it
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You can tell me any plot of land is an acre and I will have no choice but to believe you.
king: the gods are angry with us
advisor: let’s throw a virgin into the volcano
king: how would that help
advisor: [throwing stephen in] help what
I identified a body yesterday.
“That’s a body!” I said.
Sometimes I like to mess with my husband and say things like “Honey, please hand me a waffle knife” and watch him panic.
My son eating a radish for the first time, “It tastes like angry celery. Just why.”
When you watch a movie and two persons kiss when they wake up, are you all awww, or are you a normal person wondering if two bad breaths cancel out?
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Ignorance is not bliss. It’s just a fancy word for stupid.
got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
At least he brought enough for everyone
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Know when to holdem
*Pick up panties
Know when to foldem
*Fold em
Know when to walk away
*Leave laundromat
Know when to run
*Girl chasing me
it can’t have done Tiny Tim’s confidence much good, his parents calling him that
ME: do you agree that the opposite of break is repair
WIFE: yes
ME: and the opposite of fast is slow
WIFE: yes
ME: then the opposite of breakfast is repairslow
WIFE: no it isn’t
ME: *pinching bridge of nose* let’s try this one more time
washing hands before coronavirus:
– turn on water
– quickly rinse fingertips
– look at soap
– turn off waterwashing hands after coronavirus:
– turn on water
– climb in sink
– cover entire body in soap
– take a few swigs of soap
– mind meld with soap
– you and soap are now one
I just ran over a tree, a 5’2″ blonde screaming tree with a purse.
My wife had me take out more life insurance and now there’s no grip left on the bath mat. Weird.
[On a date]
Him: I love a woman with a sense of humor, I’m a sucker for a good pun.
Me: omg same. lol Jeremy if you were sliced up into little pieces and soaked in coffee liqueur and then layered between ladyfingers you’d be a jeramisu.
Him:
Me:
Him:
Me: jeramisu
[trying to get out of date]
ME: Oh sorry, I have a missed call from 911
HIM: That’s not how-
ME: *mouthing* IT’S AN EMERGENCY
Sorry I’m late, I’ve been taking an elastic band out of my hair for the last three days.
My mom is on a road trip to Amish Country with some of my aunts.
Please help me, she’s buying me and my wife gifts.
Everyone thinks I’m weird for carrying mini tools in my handbag, until they need to fix their glasses or cut up a body.
imagine being Pierce brosnan in Mrs doubtfire, you’re dating a nice woman, her kids like you, it’s all great then one day you’re in a restaurant choking from anaphylactic shock and her drunk ex husband runs towards you in an old lady costume and you think how is this my life now
Want to change your name without any legal hassles? Just come up with a new pronunciation, the government isn’t even keeping track of that. Congratulations Brenda, you’re Breenday now and no one can stop you
In today’s episode of “My Kids will be the Death of Me,” we examine why the top of the stairs is the most popular place to play
The power of art = theory.
The power of power = praxis.
The the of the = philosophy.
If I ever get a Roomba, I’m gonna be totally irresponsible and just throw crumbs on the floor for fun.
I asked my son how his first full day went and he described in detail a bug he saw at recess and revealed no further information
everyone wants a sensitive girl until she cries because that cloud is beautiful
Parentz Bop
-Here We Come A Tattling
-Deck The Walls With Permanent Markers
-Jingle Bells My Teen Smells
-Hark The Kids Are Out Of Bed
-All I Want For Christmas Is You To Stop Fighting
-God Rest Ye Tired Parents
-It’s Beginning To Look A lot Like Christmas Is Cancelled