I want negative calorie credit for all the junk food I pass up. Didn’t eat that cookie? That’s -150 calories.
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Putting clothes on an animal is like putting on an overcoat over your overcoat.
Santa: hey I’m 🎶coming to town!
me: oh great that’s-
Santa: I see you when you’re sleeping. I know when you’re awake
me: uh
Santa: I know if you’ve been bad or good so-
me: please don’t come to town
I call bullshit!
Chickens don’t even have fingers.
My kid: look mumma this coin is really really old!
Also my kid: still younger than you though…
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
House is clean. Time to sell the children and move.
What are people in motels doing that they need such a steady and reliable source of ice?
This is a bargain. I’ve always paid at least $5.
When I said you had a “serial killer face” I had meant it as a compliment, Like, you look like you are very ambitious is what I meant.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
People at the library need to learn how to be quiet. Some of us are trying to beatbox over here.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
[Getting home from fishing trip]
MOM: Catch anything?
ME: No, but a bear did.
MOM: Where’s your father?
Leaving the grocery store: Shoot. I forgot to get bread.
Leaving Costco: Shoot. I forgot to get bread. And a gazebo.
[trying on a camouflage jacket]
Me: how much is this
Store Clerk: how much is what
On the internet it’s super easy to take credit for stuff you had nothing to do with. That’s why I invented it.
My 2yo held my face in his hands and whispered oh-so seriously: “don’t go to work daddy, stay with me.”
And so, I am never going to work again.
My 6yr old says she’s going to stay up until the New Year, NO MATTER WHAT. She just asked if it was midnight yet, it’s 7:05.
*slowly cracks open a beer while the cop explains why he pulled me over*
The kids left w/my parents for a week. I plan to run around the house for an hour yelling “woo hoo”, but after that my schedule is wide open
I just want to be fit enough to reach into my glove compartment, without crying.
Accidentally drove to work w/the kids still in the car & they waited until I parked to cheer that they weren’t going to school.
Mon-1
Mom-0
The Avengers were horrified until they realized most of the people who disappeared when Thanos snapped his fingers were people who don’t realize turn signals exist.
Science has proven birds are a branch of dinosaurs. Now every time I eat chicken, I think, “I bet this tastes just like a stegosaurus.”
[calling in sick]
BOSS: This is the third time in a month you’ve had a stomach flu…How is that even possible?
ME {trying to not let on I’m a cow}: Well I definitely have only one stomach that’s for sure
*Husband using Ouija board after I’ve died*
Please answer me
*arrow moves*
“It’s on the top shelf. Right there. RIGHT THERE! Use your eyes!”
*reading a children’s book*
That’s preposterous. A duck can’t perform brain surgery. They would quack under the pressure.
[Jedi Training]
TRAINER: Any questions?
STUDENT: Can the Force be with me?
TRAINER: I don’t know…CAN it?
STUDENT: Oh right…May the Force
awkward