I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!
Said by nobody.
Ever.
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I hate it when I forget to bring my phone in the car and have to read a shampoo bottle while I drive.
Lil Wayne once said “got ten bathrooms, I could shit all day” which I’ve proven can be done with just one bathroom.
You can go straight to hell! Well, unless you’re being chased by an alligator, in which case I recommend zig-zagging your way to hell.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
Them: What’s your word for the year?
Me: Snacks.
AVOCADO: Hello I’m good fat
BACON: *lights cigarette* *punches avocado*
Breakup? I’m sorry no.
You’re not finished being in love with me yet.
If it’s only polite to take your shoes off as a guest in someone’s home, stripping fully nude should be considered a truly honorable action.
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Dominos just called to let me know my pizza’s on the way. They correctly assumed I’d need time to find my pants.
Clerk: Why do you need 200 condoms?
Me: I have a beard and an accent. *winks*
*Spends night making balloon animals
If history has taught me anything, it’s that the person with the loudest, wettest cough will always sit down beside me in a waiting room.
When I find myself in times of trouble, I think of Lady Catherine de Bourgh, and endeavor to conduct myself in such a way that would meet with her severe disapproval.
On Halloween I’ll be handing out full size bars of really bad advice.
Only while supplies last.
Doggies just call it style.
“By the way, actions don’t speak!” — Words.
HUSBAND: We’re meeting my parents at noon. Did you shower yet?
(flashback to me using a wet wad of toilet paper to wash my armpits)
ME: Yes.
“Yay Springtime” I say to the wasps busily building their nest on my patio.
Me: This is great! I love hiking in the woods! You never know if it will be a Hallmark moment or a Blumhouse moment.
Friend: Why are you like this?
Me: It’s like a choose your own adventure.
I was 36 before I figured out most of my dad’s advice to me was just quotes from Burt Reynolds movies.
Me: *runs up* if anyone asks, we’re friends. just be cool.
Dog: *wags tail*
Me: oh you’re good.
REALITY SHOW HOST: …and one of you will be going home
ME: how many points do I need for that
I’m at the grocery store at 10pm buying a bottle of wine with a bag of quarters… I understand why you want to see my ID.
Me when people tell me secrets I already knew
The opposite of goth is stopth.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
I don’t usually spank the kids while we’re in Walmart but yours were just asking for it.
I would like to see “artificial intelligence” assemble this tuna melt.
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.