@KarenLyneButler

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

I want Rebecca Black to make a music video for every day of the week!

Said by nobody.

Ever.

- @KarenLyneButler

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@allisulli

Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: Don’t get me started

@EndhooS

Wife: He’s always rewriting the past..

Therapist: is this true?

Me: [doesn’t hear because I’m typing ‘Shrek killed Hitler’ into Wikipedia]

@Shen_the_Bird

[first day as a 911 operator]

guy: send help oh god the building is collapsing!

me: you’re kinda stressing me out tbh

@DrakeGatsby

[Tour of NASA Headquarters]

Guide: So NASA was founded in July of 1958 with the goal-

Me: *interrupting* Is it true the moon won’t bleed no matter how many times you stab it?

Guide: *into walkie talkie* He’s back.

@TesstifyBarker

FYI a woman in Italy told me it’s healthy to eat pasta every day as long as you only eat lasagna on the weekends I am seeking no further nutrition opinions at this time

@stevevsninjas

Science will never be able to determine the number of sheep in a flock, because no observer can stay awake long enough.

@rorynotroy

if ur ever in a scary movie situation and find that the phone cords been cut just act like the phone still works thatll confuse the bad guy

@smokedesign

Does Rapunzel use the shampoo “Head & Shoulders, knees & Toes.”