I want someone to push me up against the wall.. lean in..
and softly whisper…
“I’ll do your housework for you”
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It’s my potent alchemy of humility and charisma that has you off-kilter. Give yourself a moment to adjust.
My 10 y/o daughter informed me that “everyone knows” you can’t wear your picture day outfit again the rest of the year, like it’s some kind of 5th grade wedding dress.
My 6yo drew a picture of my mom, and I don’t think she’s ever going to babysit ever again😭
Work like you don’t need the money: Just stop and go home. Who cares? You don’t need that money
“I’ll just use bug spray”
Mosquitos in the Midwest
Net flips and krill?
– killer whale text
There’s nothing like the joy on a kid’s face when he first sees the PlayStation box containing the socks I got him for Christmas.
called in thicc to work this morning
Asking your child to go get their sibling for dinner is just asking them to stand next to you and scream their sibling’s name.
me: you can get hurt when you don’t listen. daddy and I watched a show last night about a kid who lost his eye because he was being bad
6: what happened?!
me: well, he stole a dragon but that’s not the point
“You deleted your search history. Good move. But you forgot about something…”
*cop gets all up in suspect’s face*
“Targeted. Banner. Ads.”
What did one fungi say to another fungi when they got married?
“I want to grow mold with you.”
Make a dating service for introverts and call it Mumble
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
Our forefathers fought against British rule so anyone can become president. For the first time in 240 years, we’re regretting that decision.
Forgive me, for I have sinned.
Same time tomorrow?
Sorry I use grammar, punctuation and complete sentences. I was raised in a wealthy home where we wasted characters without a second thought.
I hate it when people tell me to “stay in your lane!” Granted i’m drunk at the bowling alley, but it’s still uncalled for.
Studies show that, on average, humans kept in cubicles live just as long as free-range humans.
Straight people are cancelled
“I think I’m like in the middle of a really powerful moon cycle or something. I accidentally texted the guy who delivered my coffee asking why he ghosted me and he actually apologized.”
If we reverse engineered electronics from a crashed UFO, it’s only a matter of time before aliens return with patent lawyers and sue us into oblivion.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Officer, this ticket says 1:59 am, but thanks to daylight savings, it’s now 1:00. So slow down, TimeCop, I haven’t committed the crime yet.
You didn’t comment on my selfie.
WHO IS SHE
Calm down shouty museum man. I think it’s pretty obvious that I know how to ride a dinosaur skeleton.
Me: Do you have any books on paranoia?
Librarian : They’re right behind you.
[cops showing wife my body]
“Why is he 50m from where he got shot?”
“Our best guess was he tried crawling home to clear his browser history”
Kids, no one will ever understand you like your high school love. Get pregnant and marry them right away. You know better than everyone.
DATING: i can’t believe we have so much in common
MARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile