“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

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Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.


My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there



Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot


[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?


That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive


Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it’s a seance and you’re dead.


Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”


Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley