I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.
“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*
I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.
GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale
WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point
Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!
Me: I’m gonna be late
Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery
I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.
ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u
God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.
“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….
and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?