“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats
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*a town in which the production of little marshmallow treats has been banned*
mayor: i don’t want another peep out of any of you
My husband before the holidays: I don’t need anything
My husband right after the holidays: I’ve always wanted this thing, and also I really really want this, and I’d love to have this other thing
me: how many trees do you see in this picture?
my toddler: all of them.
Jane Austen is short for Jane Stonecoldsteve Austen.
When you’s said addicted to apple products, my mind was thinking shampoo and conditioner not electronics.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Bomb squad: sir, please clear the area while we locate the device
Me: did you… did you bring the bomb sniffing dog?
Bomb squad: YOU AGAIN
“I’s up here!” – Popeye calling down from the crow’s nest.
My 7yo keeps asking how old I am, so I’m sending him a cease and desist letter
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
Me: this is shit, I’m changing the channel
Wife: leave the baby monitor alone
Was dating this chick whose cat used to poop in her tub all the time. I only did it once and she broke up with me. WTF?
[sitting on my couch eating matzah slathered in Nutella, watching Masterchef] wow I can’t believe he didn’t bake his cheesecake in a water bath
People who look pretty & put together at the airport, how dare you?
My uncle married a woman from Tokyo and they just had a daughter.
She’s my Japaniece..
There are two types of people in the world, those who are sure they locked the main door and those who are sure they didn’t, and they’re married to eachother.
How it started How it’s going
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
Produce is too expensive. Do you have any amateur duce?
My toddler is practicing counting by dropping chocolate chips in my mouth and this is the kind of math I can get on board with
“NOAH. YOU WILL BUILD AN ARK”
k
“NOT “K” THIS IS IMPORTANT”
Sorry
“THATS OK. TAKE 2 OF EVERY ANIMAL ON IT”
Even fish?
*THUNDER*
“NO NOT FISH
Her: pull my hair!
Edward Scissorhands: oops
Her: why oops?
Every day of school:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP
Kids:
Me: WAKE UP WAKE UP WAKE UP5 AM, every weekend:
Kids [standing by my bed]: We’re bored.
-That toaster oven looks worn out. Why are you still using it?
-Sentimental attachment.
-It just caught fire.
-Aww, just like old times.
Kind of miss the days when one of the biggest things we as a nation disagreed on was Coke vs. Pepsi.
I’m so good at astrology I know all the zodiac signs by heart
Aquaman
Fish
Airhead
Tommy
Jumanji
Cancer
Leo
Virgin
Liberal
Scorpion
Sa..sag..fhgjhuiujh
Caprisun
The scene where Indiana Jones swaps the bags and runs from a boulder but it’s me trying to eat a cookie without my kid seeing me
Once I was driving with my first wife and we got into a screaming match while she was also eating an ice cream cone. I reached my breaking point and slammed on the brakes which made her face go all in the ice cream. This will forever be the funniest thing I’ve ever done