@cogentanalysis

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

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@markydoodoo

Milk toast was probably named by same lazy guy that named the fireplace and waterfall.

@six_2_and_even

My dog would like you to know that there are many many good sticks out there

@Mom_Overboard

[Texting]

Him: Hey babe, what’re you wearing?

Me: *naked pooping* ummm…nothing

Him: That’s hot

@dafloydsta

[at a funeral]

*approaches the weeping widow and embraces her*

*whispers* “So you’re single now, right?

@DougBenson

That was the most exciting race between two stationary vehicles I have ever seen. #GreaseLive

@underchilde

Being surrounded by family and friends is cool unless it’s a seance and you’re dead.

@blahfamous

Whaaa? You taste brides? RT MatrooKiBijlee: Bridal tasting was a success! The only thing I regret is not taking pictures. But still….”

@offbeatoliv

Me: [in Airplane Mode] Don’t call me
Me: [in Airplane! Mode] Don’t call me Shirley