@cogentanalysis

“I want the box where I poop to smell like my poop or else I won’t want to poop there. Whoa whoa, not THAT much like my poop! Jesus!” – cats

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@3sunzzz

I’m just saying, if I was a divorce lawyer, I’d locate my firm directly across the street from an Ikea.

@adamjest

*makes doctors appointment*
*arrives 20 minutes early*
*waits in doctors office for 7 hours*

@mortimermaiden

I’m a gentleman, so I when I see a woman about to open a door, I sprint up and tackle her back, so a man can open it for her.

@FeelingEuphoric

GIRL: daddy look it’s a killer whale

WHALE: for your information I’m only a suspect at this point

@JustMeTurtle

Nobody:

Dog: OMG HE LOOKED IN THE GENERAL DIRECTION OF MY LEASH WE’RE GOING FOR A WALK I’M READY C’MON LET’S GO NOW PUT YOUR SHOES ON NOW HERE LET ME HELP I HAVE YOUR SOCK OK LET’S GO WALK!!!

@DaddyJew

Me: I’m gonna be late

Boss: why?

Me: *stealthily following a chicken after it crossed the road* I’m solving a mystery

@Tbone7219

I’m starting to think the sharks on “Shark Week” eat people just to get on tv.

@jonnysun

ten years ago we had Jason Shoes, Carl Shirt and Daniel Problem. now we have no shoes no shirt no problem welcom to dennys what can i get u

@MrsMikePatton

God, grant me serenity to accept that people are ignorant, courage to uphold the law when I’m hostile & wisdom to realize murder is illegal.

@SteveKoehler22

Wait …

“El Chapo” is a Mexican drug lord ….

and not the guy who’s been stealing
our Chapsticks for years ?