i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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My neighbors are out in their backyard having an epic argument so it looks like the fireworks show is getting started early.
The chicken mask stays on during chicken shopping
my girlfriend and i are having a big fight bc i think the toys from Toy Story are immortal and she thinks they can die
Just completed a task that I’d been putting off for months. It took ages and was massively inconvenient, I was right to delay it as much as possible. I will learn much from this.
How long does Netflix have to be down before they send someone to your house to stroke your hair & tell you everything’s going to be alright
I have a bumper sticker that says “Honk if you think I’m sexy!” Then I just sit at green lights until I feel better about myself!
To find me during an apocalypse just look for the girl trying to finish her noodles while running
exec: any ideas for new kids shows
writer: a mouse tries to murder a cat with a toaster
exec: nice. what else?
writer: a coyote tries to murder a roadrunner with dynamite
exec: love it. any more?
writer: a dude with a speech impediment tries to murder a rabbit with a shotgun
me pausing my music to see if the siren is in the song or its outside
[after sex]
ME: that was…magnificently stupefying
HER: please put the thesaurus down
Love it when I see the sign:
“You must have been born before 1999 to buy tobacco products.”My oldest bra can smoke now.
food for thought? no bro im hungry. food for stomach
umm…
You better take care of me Lord, if you don’t you’re gonna have me on your hands.
I will do some shady shit for a mocha.
Thank goodness I have DoorDash for that!
(during sex)
Don’t move! Don’t move! A pickle and the second of my two all-beef patties is stuck in your hair.
I blink one eye at a time because flying squirrels can attack at any moment.
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: No, I’m busy.
Computer: Hey it’s tomorrow can I restart for updates?
Me: No
(A week of this later)
Computer: Hey can I restart for updates?
Me: FINE JUST RESTART HURRY UP
Computer: Haha jk I haven’t downloaded them yet 😀
My mother was so overprotective we were only allowed to play rock, paper.
What do you call a man who does all the cooking, cleaning and washing without complaint?
Single.
I always bring a glass of water to bed with me so I have something to knock over in the middle of the night
I just saw a woman push 5 little kids in a shopping cart out of Walmart. I didn’t realize that you could get them in bulk now.
Me: Raising a family is hard.
Necromancer: Not if they’re buried close together.
Me: What?
Necromancer: What?
Beethoven: hey everybody, this next song’s called “Für Elise”
Elise: omg, we broke up 6 months ago, get over urslf
B: SHUT UP ELISE I LUV U
I have my own music. Stand outside my house holding a cheesecake over your head.
Apocalypse life hack: mute the news and play White Stripes “seven nation army”. It’s still horrible but it feels so much cooler
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
“have you heard about the Nu covid variant”
“no, what’s it called?”
“the Nu variant”
“yeah what’s it called”
“no, it’s literally spelled N U, Nu”
“haha wow, who named it that?”
“yes”
Sadly, the days of people using proper English are went.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.