i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

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I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas


If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.

Inspirational tweet.


* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.

Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?

Dentist: The music?

Me: No. The drill.



The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.

He scratches his head… I scratch mine.

He touches his chest… I touch mine.

He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.


My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.


Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
Oh no


*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*


maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*


whoa better pack an umbrella


Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN


She’s got a great personality!

It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….