@imchriskelly

i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it

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@MoistPork

“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.

(5 minutes later)

Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”

-Women

@mrsmith196645

I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.

I saw a butterfly.

@TheCatWhisprer

*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*

@zacharyflynn

How to get a girl to like you:

1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?

@Big_Cat74

[first date]

Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?

Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*

@BuckyIsotope

I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”

@_Awwsomeness_

Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.

*The fault in our Jars*

@BGH70

Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.

@TheIronSherk

My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her

She’s my Taco Belle