“He’s a jerk. I’m over him anyway.
(5 minutes later)
Ooh, he texted! I want to have his babies!”
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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I spent the day in nature and by nature I mean drinking beer on a golf course.
I saw a butterfly.
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
How to get a girl to like you:
1. Become a lion tamer
2. Release a lion on her
3. Tame it right before it kills her
4. Take her to Chili’s?
Her: Dating is so hard now. There are so many weirdos out there, right?
Me: *loud prolonged dolphin screeching sound*
I’ll always remember what my dad told me right before he died: “of course you’re supposed to use that much lighter fluid idiot.”
Falling in love is like Falling Ketchup from a Bottle.
At first slowly, and then all at once.
*The fault in our Jars*
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Sorry, your invitation got lost in the trash.
My girl has been eating a lot of Mexican fast food and gaining tons of weight lately, but I’ll never stop loving her
She’s my Taco Belle