I’ve been barred from the local Mexican restaurant for repeatedly bringing and summoning my waiter with my personal maracas
i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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It’s big boy season
If you’re using YOLO to justify doing something stupid, remember you only DIE once too.
* Dentist is singing along to a Maroon 5 song as he’s drilling in my mouth.
Me: (holds up finger to pause)
Can you turn that up?
Dentist: The music?
Me: No. The drill.
The gorilla and I maintain eye contact, separated by only an inch of glass.
He scratches his head… I scratch mine.
He touches his chest… I touch mine.
He shits in his hand… my wife drags me away.
My daughter’s favorite past-time is implementing psychological warfare on my son. I let it slide because one day he’ll have a wife.
Me: Ok I’m just gonna lay down for like 15 minutes.
[11 Days later]
*wife leaves message on fridge w/ magnets*
WE ARET HROUGH
maybe it’s an anagram *rearranges*
whoa better pack an umbrella
Its crucial to teach your kids life lessons at home each day
Today’s lesson is: If you like your life DO NOT WAKE MOMMY UP AT 6AM EVER AGAIN
She’s got a great personality!
It’s the other 6 personalities that I’m worried about….