i want the first line of my obituary to be about how i once used an umbrella three different times before losing it
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Considering they were routinely burned alive, a coven is a pretty unfortunate name for a collection of witches.
If you wanna make someone cry just show them the earliest year they can retire
Who called them nuclear submarines and not fission ships?
Han Solo had a much cooler older brother called Drum
I did it! I found the worst thing on the internet. A combination of so much awful.
*Packing for a trip*
Maybe I’ll bring my workout gear. I mean I haven’t worked out in 5 years but I might start on this trip.
Look kid, you can’t die from embarrassment. Believe me, I’ve tried.
God’s Wife: I just need some space!
God: (passive aggressively creates the universe)
If you are a jerk and say jerk things, understand that I have imagined punting you into space while you’re eating something you’re allergic to, wearing a color that looks terrible on you.
It’s March tomorrow. February lasted 17 seconds. Christmas soon. Knew I shouldn’t have put the tree away.
Producer: What should we do with the deer movie?
Walt Disney: Kill the mom.
P: and the mermaid movie?
WD: Kill the mom.
P: maybe for the lion movie we can do something different?
WD: Oh ok….kill the dad.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.
Jack is coming over.
“Jack from work or Jack and the…”
[a beanstalk comes up through the floor and crashes through the ceiling]
15000 CCTVs 2b installed in Delhi 4r Obama’s visit.
This is ridiculous. Just because he’s black doesnt mean he’ll steal anything. Racists!
*me in the shower*
My 2yo: Mommy I put your phone back don’t worry. I won’t do it again.
Me: WHAT!
I’m like Pooh bear. I just want to eat, hang with my homies, and go around pantsless
“No new iPhone, I just wanted to talk about my feelings” – Tim Cook, hopefully
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
I have this recurring nightmare where I’m vegan and religiously doing crossfit, but I’m stuck on a deserted island and there is no one to tell.
I told my toddler that I loved her and she blew raspberries at me. Not quite the response I’d expected.
ME [groggily regains consciousness] what happened?
DOCTOR: You did a wheelie [replaces pen lid] on a unicycle
Me: so what do you do
Date: i’m a pharmacist
Me: so farm assist like milking cows
Date: no like drugs
Me: oh
Date:
Me: how do u milk drugs
My husband has decided to take on a kitchen renovation project by himself because “it can’t be that hard.” He’s currently watching a YouTube video.
Pray for me.
My son just suggested a foundation to bring young tortoises to important events so that 150 years later people can say “this tortoise witnessed Biden’s inauguration” etc
Brandy Carlile implies the existence of Whiskey Buscrocodile.
murderer: I’m going to bury you alive
me: ok, I thought you were going to kill me
You’ve got to question the legitimacy of the Burger Kingdom if the Burger King is just handing out crowns to anybody willy-nilly.
I bet every time Beyoncé leaves a restaurant everyone fights over who gets to smell her chair
Whats this kids eat free bullshit. When was the last time you saw a 4 year old pick up the lunch tab??They always eat free