Boss: Remember to only use your new laptop for job related things
Me: [Using laptop to search for a new job]
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I dont mean to brag but my sense of humour has people saying they worry about me sometimes.
Should the hole from my vaccination shot be beeping a day later?
pregnancy tests should just read “pregnant” or “nope just fat”
This is a terrible place to stay! The sheets are scratchy, the pillow is thin and the recreational activities sorely limited! 1 1/2 ⭐️
Yelp: Its prison ma’am.
It took me 13 years but I finally deleted most of my e-mails.
Sometimes I’m out in public and I have to look down real quick to make sure I remembered to put on pants.
My 5 year old is going to be a witch for Halloween. But she doesn’t want to wear a hat. No wig, either. The black dress? Too itchy. Oh, and she’s not down with green makeup. The only part of the costume she likes is the broom. My 5 year old is going to be a janitor for Halloween.
I like dating chicks with kids, because snacks
Detective: Don’t leave town.
Me, thinking about gas money: Ok
[travels back in time to warn 12 year old me about playing video games too much] you become fat and lazy and-whoa Mortal Kombat 2 scoot over
*takes bite of Pringle* yes *nods at date then waiter* we’ll have the tube
you know the joke for kids that goes like this?:
“what do you call an alligator in a vest?”
“an investigator.”well, i think i just wrote a new one that goes like this:
“what do you call a duck who’s a detective?”
“deductive.”BONUS: a detective IS an investigator.
[Hardware store]
ME: *holding toilet plunger to my ear, as if listening*
WIFE: Ugh, can you please hurry up
ME: THE WAND CHOOSES THE WIZARD, JANET
A homeless man randomly asked me if I was from Minnesota yesterday, so I replied, “no, but once I stabbed a guy who grew up in Minneapolis”
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
I swear I am going to sit in the parking lot and slam a bag of beef jerky before my dental hygienist appointment.
Make her earn every dollar of that teeth cleaning.
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Picture us, making love. Wrong. More cheese.
Libra: Many good things are in store for you! Unfortunately, the store is closed for repairs.
Wife: you’ve hardly touched your dinner…talk to me.
Me: *sigh* I can’t keep teaching zoology, Susan. I’m so tired of answering stupid questions.
Waiter: how does the chicken taste?
Me: WITH ITS TONGUE
M: Why are the crazies called insane instead of unsane?
Prosecutor: Number 3 is excused from jury duty.
M: *mumbles* works every time
He works with his crew: Woody Flores, John C. Ling, Raisa Roofe, and their boss, Bill DeHaus.
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
[first day as a beekeeper] my pockets really hurt
Breakfast Club: don’t you forget about me
Fight Club: forget you have a whole other personality
ME: I’m impressed you got court side seats
MY LAWYER: I hope they find you guilty
This is I, Robot all over again
[on shark tank]
Me: A thermostat that’s impossible to change
Baby shark: I’m out
Mommy shark: I’m out
Daddy shark: …Go on
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
Therapist: what’s your biggest fear?
Me: being alone
Therapist [getting tarantula out of box]: guess again idiot