I want the new mayor to do something about the size of the squirrels in this city, they’re too big and they’re only getting bigger.
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I text my husband approximately 35 times per day with a rate of about 1 response per 5 texts.
Husband, after I put my phone down for 3 minutes and one “Hi” text from him goes unanswered:
HELLOOOOOOOOOO WHERE ARE YOU?!!??! HELLOOOOOOOOOO ARE YOU OK
My date told me I have nice skin. It’s not like he’s gonna make a mask out of it right? *nervous laugh*
I like a woman that makes me feel alive, but also lets me know that it might not be for long.
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
Be back in a few days. Gotta shave my legs for spring. But, before I go, what’s the best way to sharpen hedge trimmers?
If I had a twin, whenever someone asked which one of us was older, I’d tell them that we both came out at the exact same time.
The average person swallows 3 cats on their drive home from work.
Credit Card Company: Yes sir, I see the bogus charges. We’ll take care of that.
Me: And…the other thing?
Credit Card Company: No sir, just because they tried to steal your identity doesn’t mean they are willing to take your kids.
*my boss angrily taps his watch because I come into the meeting late
*i angrily tap my watch back because this meeting is too early
Him: …and I asked you out because you’re smart and pret-WHY ARE YOU POKING ME WITH A STICK?
Me: To see if you’re real or if I’m just high
4 told me we were playing hospital, and then told me to wait because she had to go get her cash register. Even at that age, they get it.
Find a penny pick it up and all day long you’ll have an obsolete form of currency in your pocket.
[grocery store seized by terrorists]
“Not today”, I say, tearing the label from a tube of Poppin’ Fresh Dough and rolling it down the aisle
‘I know a black person’
– White people
Spotify should have helpful mental health suggestions like “your top listens are Taylor Swift and true crime, go to therapy”
ME *waits for phone to stop ringing and then checks number to see who it was*
Guy training me to be an emergency responder: yeah that was wrong
dinosaur: omg a meteor
tyrannosaurus clark kent: *trying really hard to remove his glasses with his stupid little arms*
“wow this rap song is good I wonder who this is”
*waits literally 4 seconds*
“oh there look at that he said his name how convenient”
[i witness a crime]
COP: we’ll need you to come down to the station and make a statement
ME: ok
[at the station]
ME: a hotdog is a sandwich
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
genetics is so weird, like i got my mom’s eyes and my dad’s talent for tax fraud
Once I’ve made up my mind about something, there’s no stopping me
from second guessing myself.
if a cop pulls u over play dead
Seriously, ladies. If you just stop sleeping with douchebags eventually their species will go extinct. Look at the big picture here.
Friend asks me to be her maid of honor:
M-What do I have to do?
F-Well I know you, so I’m expecting very little.
Mission accomplished.
Girlfriend is on her way over. Aaaaaaannd history deleted.
I just want to tell everyone how I feel about you!
Ma’am I just need you to sign for these packages.