My wife said “vase” wrong so I corrected her and now we know that it can just barely fit over my head.
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POV: Your company’s HR director is about to fire you on a Zoom call
Me: “I like you.”
Date: “I like you, too.”
Me: “Well this just got boring.”
Luggage is like children. If you leave the airport with two out of three suitcases you did alright.
Reading your horoscope is just trying to determine your future based on when your parents had sex.
ME: I was at the laundromat washing my unmentionables, and-
HER: You mean your underwear?
*The fabric of the universe starts to tear*
ME: You fool! What have you done?!
[bedtime]
me: babe we forgot to lock the door
him: not it
murderer under the bed: not it
me: fine I’ve got it
Date *sitting on couch* I love scary movies
Me: ok but this is pretty dark, it’s about a boy plagued by haunted dolls
Date: Sounds good!
Me: The cowboy one is called Woody
I had no idea being an adult would involve so many lotions.
inventor of rice krispies: but what if our food tried to get away
Me pre-milkshake: Oohh! I’m gonna have a milkshake!
Me post-milkshake: I feel like hell and wish I were dead.
Twitter makes possible so many amazing things we couldn’t do before. Like trolling the Nazis:
I’ve been reading your Oscar tweets, and America should not vote on things as a general rule going forward.
Her: when you said “magical in bed” this isn’t exactly what I was exp-
Me: *holds up 8 of hearts* is this your card
Her: *softly* holy shit
chipotle guy: i didn’t charge you for the guac.
me: oh cool thanks man.
chipotle guy: no i’m saying i need your card back.
me:
chipotle guy: so i can charge you.
me:
chipotle guy: for the guac.
SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.
If I vaped, I would 100% become a ninja so I could disappear into a cloud of strawberry watermelon.
TEACHER: Its report card day Timmy
TIMMY: I’m scared to look.
TEACHER: Don’t worry. It’s all B’s lol
*opens it & gets engulfed by bees*
[job interview]
INTERVIEWER: what can you tell me about the last three years of your life
ME: just that i hope they haven’t started yet
It helps to think of every business meeting as a game, where the object is to leave the room with fewer action items than anybody else.
*Brings Oreos to a Christmas cookie exchange*
WIFE: *on our wedding night* Today was just perfect, wasn’t it?
ME: [remembering how I wanted a falcon to burst out of the cake but was told no] Not really Sharon, tbh.
the human just came home. smelling like another dog. this isn’t a problem. i’m totally not upset. if anybody needs me. i’ll be over here. wondering what i ever did to deserve this
we did it. we made it through the 300 days of january. congratulations everyone
[plane hurtling toward earth in ball of fiery wreckage]
me [to person on my left]: are they coming around for trash again or did i miss it?
FRIEND: You gonna see that new movie with Jennifer Lawrence?
ME: No way
FRIEND: Why not?
ME: [kicks a rock] She’d never go out with me
No problem, 3 people is my maximum anyway
I had my year-end evaluation and it went like “You have great substantive legal skills, but you don’t come into the office enough and you don’t attend social events and you don’t regularly answer emails on weekends.” Yes, precisely.
Let’s ride.
So, about a year ago I got the overwhelming feeling of being kicked in the kidneys that comes with the realization that you wanna marry another human. Tested for UTI, and it was negative, so I knew it was real.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
when adam driver cut his arm in marriage story my mom said “hemorrhage story” and I thought that was a pretty good one