I want this Valentines Day to be special. Just give me a hint. Tell me what will make you happy. I’ll do anything.
*me, talking to my dogs
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Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
I still have a landline. Or as I like to call it, Cell Phone Finder.
2 out of 3 isn’t bad. Unless you come home from the park with 2 out 3 kids. Then it’s bad
Me: get out, it’s my turn in the hedge now you’ve been hogging it way too long
Hedgehog: no
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Computer: shutting down
Me: same
The best revenge is a life lived well or cyanide in their coffee.
Me: “Now I lay me down to sleep. I pray the Lord my soul to keep…”
The Lord: “You still have that?”
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
philosophy professor: you must question everything
[later]
me: *grabs lamp and shakes it* what have you been doing all day, you piece of shit
I have written yet another poem about laundry
What’s the purpose of hanging plants on your porch? Is it a warning to the other plants in the neighborhood that you’re not a house to be trifled with?
Interviewer: Your resume only has “Mad” under “Skills”
Me: Yeah boyee
Interviewer: *tears up* You’re just what we need. Welcome to Subway.
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
A boycott is just a smaller version of a manbed.
My son told me that it doesn’t matter what way the towels face when he puts them away and it’s almost like he wants to see my eye do that twitchy thing.
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
Are these grass-fed oranges?
11-year-old: We had a standardized test all morning.
Me: What was it testing?
11: My patience.
I’m 33 now. The age Jesus quit comedy and got into magic. I hope I reach the same number of followers.
Me: I want to open a horse training facility. Call it a gymneighsium lol.
Bank manager: Get out.
-Come on, it’s time to go
-No
-We are going to be late
-I hate school
-But Mum, you have to take me!
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Me to my kids: Omg, why does it matter whether you have the red or purple cup?
Also me: *has favorite clear, glass water drinking glasses, and only eats with the small spoons*
Birds do it/Bees do it/Even educated fleas do it/Let’s do it/Let’s make people super nervous anytime we’re in their personal space
COP: Do you know why I pulled you over?
COW: Was I speeding?
COP: No
COW: Is it because I’m a c–
COP: It’s because you’re a cow.
The irony of being a horse is you could lift weights all day and you will still only have 1 horsepower
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever