I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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BATMAN: *struggling to escape from chains*
RIDDLER: Not so fast, Caped Crusader! You have to solve my riddle first! *sneaking a look at his son’s math textbook* If one train leaves Pittsburgh at 8am traveling at 65mph…
There’s a dumb, ridiculous quiz that tells you what kind of cookie you are. Who does these things?
And just for the record there’s no way I’m an oatmeal raisin.
[hanging up the phone] sorry that was my sensei. he said he’s turned evil and I’m probably the only student with the potential to stop him. So I have to go home now
Assassins are just murderers who found a way to make money off their favorite hobby.
‘Time to meet your maker’ I say, more in hope, as I unpack another box of IKEA furniture.
YOU are cold. They have fur.
Do not let inside.
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
7-year-old: How late can I stay up?
Me: As late as you want if you’re doing chores.
7: I’m going to bed now.
I think all dads are in a secret competition to see who can sneeze the loudest.
Boss-You’re Always the first one here!
Me-Hey,*early bird gets the worm, right?
*gets to poop or drink coffee without 3yr old interrupting
I’m that much of an introvert, I think plenty of people think I’m dead already. So I’ll just turn up to Halloween parties as myself tonight and scare the shit out of everyone.
I saw The Exorcist when I was 12 and when Father Karras asked Regan what his mother’s maiden name was and she boots pea soup all over him, a guy in the theater yelled ‘his mother’s name was Green’ and that was the first time I really understood what comic relief meant
That bathwater had too much baby in it anyway.
Relationship so bad you start relating to Taylor Swift songs
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
Me: “Breath mint?”
Her: “Sure.”
M: “Don’t mean to offend.”
H: “None taken.”
M: “Great. Good to hear. Care for a push up bra?”
It took years for my gf to get me to put down the toilet seat. Though, I really don’t know why I was carrying it around in the first place.
So that old avocado in the fruit bowl was actually a rolled up green sock & now I’m freaking out because I’ve already served the guacamole.
I sexually identify as the toaster you want to bathe with.
So… I JUST FOUND A CAT THAT IS NOT MINE AND IT HAS HAD BABIES UNDER MY BED.
My girlfriend said she liked long walks so I bought her a dog.
When she said “I think we got way too much pizza.” I knew I Finally had my chance to shine, to be the hero.
So what was my mom trying to say when she bought me a book on how to make friends?
Wife: How’d you do?
Me: I won $500 playing blackjack!
Wife: Good. The air conditioner stopped working.
My house: I ALWAYS WIN
Otters see a butterfly.
Me: *standing on the subway platform*
Subway employee: “Sir, your feet are in the salami.”
There is no idea so bad that it cannot be made to look brilliant with the right application of fonts and colours
tinting my car’s windows so people outside can’t see me eating soup
[reading online survey]
Are you ready to double your satisfaction?
My god this sounds wildly inappropriate.
*clicks yes*
[Commercial for X-Games]
Drank too much Red Bull? Want to prove it?