I want to apologize for the awful true things I said when I was angry.
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calling the number on a missing cat flyer and meowing
[exam room]
me: *waits patiently*
doctor: *enters physicianly*
A big difference between men and women I’ve found is that if a woman says ‘smell this’ it’s likely to smell nice.
Homeschooling day 3
Lessons finished hours ago and the kids are still here, do I just put them outside and hope someone collects them or…
Today I finally told my kids that St Patrick isn’t real, and it’s been me putting the snakes under their pillows all these years.
what field of science explains how strawberries know that they’ve been purchased and it’s time to go bad in the next 15 minutes
Me: do you think he called himself T.S. Eliot so nobody would notice that T. Eliot is toilet backwards?
Librarian: stop talking
My co-worker said he’s bleeding out of his ear. “That time of the month?” I replied.
He’s not amused.
people say Einstein dropped out of school and still was a genius but he didn’t drop out to drink fireball and start a band this is important
*turns on the passenger seat warmer, for the pizza
If you get an 8-year-old a drone, you’ll also need batteries and a 26-foot ladder.
I really want to be a girl who wears black lipstick, but when I try to wear it, I just look like I’ve consumed a lot of oreos, which is not necessarily untrue, but also not the look I’m going for.
Protip: If your wife asks you “How lazy can you be?” it’s a rhetorical question.
If I’m facing away from you during sex, assume I’m quietly enjoying a snack.
[on a rocket which just launched into space]
Me: oh shit did I switch the oven off can we head back real quick.
It’ll make a big mess and practically break their teeth but they’ll keep eating it anyway
-inventor of the Biscotti
IKEA Customer Services: hello, how may we help?
me: I seem to be missing a couple of parts
IKEA CS: could you describe the missing pieces?
me: well, where to begin…
[cannibal restaurant]
server: hi, who’ll you have?
cannibal: just bring me the Bill
[Hall of Justice]
Aquaman: How do you expect me to ignite the TNT below Kaiser’s floating fortress?
Waterproof Match Man: Maybe I can help.
I just did like 5 crunches while trying to get up from the couch. Is that exercise? Am I… am I exercising?
Hate freeloaders who join in the New Year’s Eve countdown for the last 10 seconds. I’ve been doing this all year. Where were you back in May
Yesterday, I accidentally swallowed some food coloring.
The doctor says I’m okay, but I feel like I’ve dyed a little inside.
I’m a spitting image of Ryan Gosling. Like if Ryan Gosling were to spit and look at his reflection in it, that would be me.
If chameleons were better at their jobs we wouldn’t even know there were chameleons.
My younger brother has a PhD in material engineering, and I do stand up comedy which to be fair is also material engineering
what day is it?
Kids look forward to recess.
Adults look forward to Reese’s.
DOG 911: What’s your emer-
DOG: HE THREW A BALL BUT I CAN’T FIND IT
DOG 911: He still holding it?
DOG: YES! HOW’D HE FETCH IT BEFORE ME??
Someone recently asked me, “What blood type are you?”..
I said , “The red runny type”.
me: *stepping out of a time machine* I hope I didn’t change anything
t-rex wearing a little lab coat: me too