If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.
I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.
6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?
Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again
[before calculus was invented]
me: I understand everything
I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.
911: whats the emergency?
?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.
Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now
Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.
I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.