Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

@omgthatspunny

If a judge loves the sound of his own voice, then expect a long sentence.

@shutupmikeginn

The pigeons behind my apartment are fighting for claim to half a rain soaked hotdog. Fighting me.

@KateWhineHall

6yo: Your hair looks pretty every day.
Me: Well, thanks.
6yo: Can I have some chips?

@OVO_Ty15

Accidentally made my Christian Mingle username ‘Voldemort69’ again

@continentlbkfst

[before calculus was invented]

me: I understand everything

@Maxine12333

I’m becoming psychic. Looking at a dusty exercise machine and I see a yard sale in its near future.

@iamburtjarvis

911: whats the emergency?

?: hi, i am 8. i have fallen and can’t get up.

@Phook75

Working on a theory that Johnny Depp died shortly after The Rum Diary and filthy scarves and wigs are simply wheeled onto movie sets now

@XplodingUnicorn

Oh, you have dignity? Well I have nachos. I win.

@dancefeverbarbi

I am so lazy that when I dropped the soap in the shower, I just sat down & took a bath. That was 2 hours ago. I’m still here.