I want to apologize to D.C. Comics for saying that the Lex Luther becoming president story arc could never happen in real life.
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Don’t make me angry. You wouldn’t like me when I’m angry. Yes I remain sweet & quiet but on the inside I’m composing a strongly worded email
she’s already got guys telling her she’s beautiful. be different. send her a cheese board.
I want to be the first Disney princess who uses three layers of pizza to suffocate the main villain.
Call me Pizzerella de Mozzarella.
My hips don’t lie. The bastards run around telling everybody how much I like donuts.
Content is king. But timing is everything. Then again… location, location, location. You should probably just do everything perfectly.
MOM: Would you like some spaghetti before your big rap battle, sweetie?
EMINEM: That sounds wonderful, thanks Mom
How long do you have to wait between naps?
something magical should happen if you eat enough saltwater taffy. maybe a mermaid drags you into the ocean
No one loses an argument when they’re carrying a chain saw.
help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
I asked Alexa to play the Encanto soundtrack and I swear I heard her sigh
Being a parent is having a nightmare about your child on the loose with magic markers
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”
My one weakness? Probably my unshakable belief that, despite a total lack of training, I’ll be able to do karate if I’m ever in a fight.
COP: *drawing chalk outline around victim*
ME: what’s that for?
COP: seriously?
ME:
COP: I think it’s to keep out ants
Someone just called for cleanup in the dairy aisle but I’m the only one here so I dropped the jug of milk I was holding and ran
My favorite part about family dinner is when my brother says how he made 600K last year and I get to say someone made a clock of my Avi.
Me: It stands for Greatest Of All Time
Jeweller: I just don’t think your wife will want “THE GOAT IS MINE” inscribed on her wedding ring
Hell hath no fury like this woman attempting to type “scorned” and having it autocorrected to “scrotum” 13 times in a row.
I’m either going to get a tattoo today or do something real crazy like clean my closet.
Santa is basically a fat man who doesn’t understand how robbery is supposed to work.
Most people think that being in your 50s is now classed as the new 30s.
Take my word for It, the police speed cameras think differently
H: The house is empty, why don’t you go and slip into something more comfortable?
Me: great idea *comes back wearing fuzzy penguin pajamas*
INTERVIEWER: what’s your greatest strength?
ME: shape shifting
INTERVIEWER: is that so?
INTERVIEWER: yes
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
Me: Speak. C’mon, boy, speak.
Dog: No, I’m mad at you.
I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
I texted my husband about all the sex I’m expecting for my birthday and accidentally sent it to my MIL. She just responded that she’s already made other plans that day.