@coolauntV
dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall
some random cat:
@BullSpear
I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself
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@coolauntV
@Steven37366100
Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!
Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised
Me: *continues eating
@tiffaynay
Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.
@truegritrumble
ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.
@_ultranoob
having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex
@kelkulus
Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.
@seamusmckracken
At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?
@thedad
Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly
Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit
@_ElvishPresley_
WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom
HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?
WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.
@joshandbeyond
Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*