@BullSpear

I want to apologize to everyone ive ever told “im going to bed” and then continued tweeting, i wasnt lying to you i was lying to myself

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@coolauntV

dumbledore, completely wasted: I should have know you’d be here professor mcgonagall

some random cat:

@Steven37366100

Me: I can’t believe it’s not butter!!

Wife: Well, that’s suntan lotion so I don’t know why you’re surprised

Me: *continues eating

@tiffaynay

Burger King employee: what size [drink] would you like?
Me (thinking she said ‘side’): fries.
BK: What?
Me: *more forcefully* fries.

@truegritrumble

ME: If home is where the heart is, I guess I live under a canopy of bloody bones.
DMV WORKER: I’m not putting that on your license.

@_ultranoob

having birthday sex is kinda like having sex to celebrate your parents having had sex

@kelkulus

Revenge idea if a girlfriend dumps you: sneak into her house, tighten the lids on all her jars.

@seamusmckracken

At Red Robin, you can substitute bottomless broccoli for bottomless fries. . . what kind of psycho wants bottomless broccoli? And who thinks it’s a substitute for fries?

@thedad

Me when the batteries in my tv remote die: I must replace you instantly

Me when the batteries in my smoke alarm die: how do I disable this useless piece of shit

@_ElvishPresley_

WATSON: It appears the victim died upon entering the bathroom

HOLMES: And how did you deduce he wasn’t leaving?

WATSON: No shit, Sherlock.

@joshandbeyond

Dad: There’s no use crying over spilled milk son.
Me: But dad it was tequila!
Dad: What!? *cries immensely*