“Fake news,” I whisper to myself, as the scale shows I gained another pound.
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When people tell me I look like my mother, I assume they mean disappointed.
*Shakespeare resetting his password*
“Enter new password.”
Fortnight
“Your password is two weeks.”
My mom worries about me too much. We were having a phone conversation till she dropped her phone. She picks it up and asks “are you OK?”
Tried to challenge the guy in the stall next to me to a thumb war, now he’s holding my hand & crying about his childhood.
I need to wipe.
*still laughing at a real estate ad I saw yesterday for a beautiful farmhouse “off the beating path”*
Not to brag, but I think I’d make a good poster child for population control
The only way Congress will ever pass common sense gun control is if they’re threatened at gunpoint
That’s a good costume, I hope.
I think abs are for guys that don’t have the confidence to wear a nice T-shirt to the pool.
1492
[DAY 6]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s an island, Chris.
[DAY 11]
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: That’s a dolphin, Chris.
{At America}
COLUMBUS: India!
SAILOR: *Sigh* You know what? Fine. Sure Chris. You did it. That’s India.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
Me- If I buy the little snack sized bags of chips, it forces me to use portion control.
Also me- Dumps 20 little bags into a giant bowl
2-step verification should be at least somewhat dance related
[face pressed against the glass case in the butcher shop] This is a bad zoo
may I borrow your hand mixer? I found a pumpkin carving hack that will destroy mine.
The Shining is my favorite Christmas movie about enjoying quality time with the family when you’re snowed in.
My bike just got a flat tire, or, as they say in England, my bike just got an apartment tire
Kelly Ayotte says “Donald Trump is absolutely a role model for kids.” She’s right, kids don’t pay taxes either.
Asking your stay-at-home wife what exactly she did all day is a fun way to bleed.
“We have literally a zillion binders full of selfies.” – Top Secret NSA Memo
Ghosts who are trying to quit smoking chew spirit gum
Never Never Never tell someone you are patient.
They will test you…
Today, I learned the correct way to abbreviate Assistant Manager in a reply-to-all;
And the way I did it.
Neil Diamond: 🎶HANDS…
TOUCHIN’ HANDS🎶
CDC: NO
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
I touched a sticky one dollar bill and now I have to chop my hand off.
honestly the best covid defense mechanism is just to smell really terrible when you leave the house. put on a shirt you get really sweaty in during a manic episode, the pheremone stench will give you a wide berth at the post office
70% of the planet is covered in water yet here I am drowning in bullshit.