I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.

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Goldfish are the only pets with the decency to die just as the novelty wears off.


When villainy didn’t pay anymore, The Riddler got a job writing furniture assembly instructions for IKEA.


I was in the park vaping in a tree when skateboard punk yolo teens called me “poor,” but jokes on them — I make hundreds of dollars a year.


*cocks gun*

Me: “Go ahead.”
Horse: “Just be cool, man.”
Me: “DRINK.”
Horse: “No problem. It’s just a stupid expression.”


I’m working on a screenplay called ‘127 Seconds’ about my fat co-worker getting his hand stuck in a Pringles tube.


Me: (throwing up in toilet)

6: (pulls my hair out of my face)

Me: *aw she cares about me*

6: Can you see now to put in the password for the iPad?


WIFE: Don’t go into the ball pit with the kids. You always lose your keys.
ME: *already in the ball pit* You’re not going to believe this.


They just got engaged at a hibachi restaurant — and the chef wrote their initials in rice!