Serious talk at the office of replacing me with a hairless cat.
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Sometimes, even I can’t tell if I’m being sarcastic or if I’m really just a bitch.
Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
When the world is about to end, I hope we know about it in advance so I can stop doing laundry.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
Deck the halls. Kick the windows. Strike the doors. Pummel the chandeliers. Clog the toilets. You will defeat this house.
My boss asked me for a brief word. I said “underpants?” and we laughed and laughed and I’m clearing out my desk.
I always try to tell myself that I don’t actually hate people as much as I say I do…and then I go to the mall.
I’m not saying animals are better than ppl, I’m just saying you’ve never seen a puppy jack up the price of prescription medication
When I was little and asked Mom how to spell a word she’d hand me a dictionary so when she asked how to do emojis I handed her a 13-year-old
Medium: if you’re there, move the glass to say something
Ouija board: s o m e t-
Wife: that’s him
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Be the horrifying backstory of your family’s lineage.
Dubious claims my toddler made this week:
– he invented the thumbs up
– only *some* lizards can read
– he forgot how to eat carrots
– his daycare allows swordsHow about your kid?
Meet your new stalker! The good news is I’m middle aged and very lazy. You’ll hardly notice I’m here.
How many wicks would John Wick wick if John Wick could wick wicks?
becoming a doctor so i can hit my enemies with a little hammer
hey don’t shoot me, i’m just the messenger! oh the letter says to shoot me? okay th-
What I say: Sorry baby, they were out of bubblegum flavored medicine…Grape, will have to do.
What my child hears: I don’t love you, never have…Now drink your poison.
My ex’s were all super hot
I found the key was using just the right amount of kindling
Ever hate someone so much you decide to start eating healthy just so you can watch them die first?
I feel like Google doesn’t really work anymore.
My wife and I play this adorable game where I pick a place to eat and she says no until it’s someone else’s idea.
Wife: I just want a honest opinion of my outfit
Me *signing her up to a rap battle* and you’ll get one
Leia: You owe child support.
Han: What? I’m in hyperspace.
Leia: You’re standing right here
Han: *makes hyperdrive noises with his mouth*
Some music just moves you. For example this Taylor Swift song playing on the radio makes me wanna drive off a cliff
me: I’ll have the prime rib
waiter: excellent choice sir
me:
waiter: do we really have to do this yet again sir
me: *after sliding to the other side of the table and putting on a blonde wig* oooooh it all looks so good what do you recommend
Karl’s toupee isn’t fooling any one
Squirrels: 1,538
My dogs: -17
Realized it was time to seek help for my Twitter addiction after I opened a carton of eggs and said “Oh look, 12 new followers!”
ME: I have a few openings today and can probably squeeze you in
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: haha nice
ME: what
PROCTOLOGIST BOSS: ugh nothing